LOSS

depression sunk in yesterday and i could not put my finger on exactly why. i have everything to be grateful for. my house survived. we have power restored. we have food in our pantry. and so on and so forth. but...i still felt so "wrong". i had those feelings that make you want to curl up on the couch, send your kids to play in the playroom or put a movie on, and hide under a heavy blanket until you drift off to sleep...hoping that things will seem different when you wake up. as i sifted through my emotions and tried to define what it was i was feeling, i was able to come up with two words. i felt sad. and i felt angry. ok...that was a start. so...why? why were these emotions surfacing today? as i talked through it with a friend, i realized that everywhere i looked...i saw loss. there is a whole spectrum of loss that is surrounding us, our church family, and our community. when these are combined and you experience them on a daily basis...they become somewhat hard to swallow.

just in the last week, i have found out that the schools were severely damaged...causing teacher's to lose their entire classrooms. some of the kids are going back to school to enter an empty classroom, with no supplies or desks. some kids are being routed to different schools entirely. our kid's school was severely damaged and we have not found out yet the exact conditions of what we are sending them into next week.

i have walked through a friend's home who lost everything. possessions from furniture to clothes to baby albums were destroyed.

chad is leading the relief effort and we see him for brief time periods right before the kids go to bed. the poor guy lost his voice the other day from sheer exhaustion. i think he goes to bed at 2 am and leaves the house by 7. i miss him. the kids miss him. but we know that he is doing what he is supposed to be doing and i'm so proud of him.

on friday morning, i attended the funeral of a 7 year old, little girl who had been battling cancer for a lot of her precious life. her little sister sat in front of me sobbing for her sister to come back.

friday evening, i loaded the kids in the truck to go pick up oakley...our new puppy that we had been talking about and waiting months for. they were so excited and it had been a source of joy and excitement that seemed to be alluding us all. we picked out a cage, a collar, a leash, food, shampoo, a bed, and had a cute little tag for his collar made, reading "oakley". the time had finally come and you could feel the happiness coming from the kids in the back of the truck as we pulled into the driveway of the breeder's house. as we drove home...oakley in hand and 3 very excited children, chase began whining. i turned around and he was covered in hives. 1 night and lots of children's benedril later...we made the tough decision to return oakley. the kids said a heartbreaking goodbye and left with my parents so that they did not have to go with me to return him. they were so sad and so angry. and so was i. i drove him back to the breeders and said goodbye to what i realized had been aiding in getting me through the evacuation...the sadness of the destruction...and the loss that had encompassed this community. i realized that new life...even a puppy's...brings hope with it.

today, i dropped aiden off at preschool, and the boys and i went to the store to get the stuff to make treats for some of the families who's homes we are working in. we came home, made the treats and delivered them. we went to what is left of a single mom's house. a group of volunteers from church were tearing out all of the walls, cabinets, and bathroom tiles. when i saw all of her furniture and her children's things out on the front lawn...ruined from flood surge, i all of a sudden felt really dumb standing there with peanut butter rice krispie treats. they have lost everything. there she is...with a broken wrist...trying to move furniture with one hand. like sugar is going to help that. it's just sad. everything about it.

i saw something written this afternoon that brought a peace that i have not felt in weeks...

"He is big enough to take every bit of the pain and anger you can throw at Him and love you through it all."