blabble

good grief. i just had to have a "session" with myself. you know when you leave a certain situation and think "why couldn't i have just sat in the background and kept my big, fat mouth shut?" you re-live the whole scenario and go over what you said and how others responded to you over and over again until you are positive that everyone left and went straight home to tell their husbands what a complete lunatic you are and vow to never invite you to another get together for the love of all things peaceful? (i'm not even sure if that was a question or a statement!!) look...now i'm confused about punctuation. i guess that's the moral of the story. i'm confused. i don't do "confused" well. and somehow the conversation made it's way to some of the things i am most confused about and lets just say that "blabble" puts it politely. i felt myself saying, "shut up, shut up, shut up." but it was too late. once the blabble starts, it's very hard to stop.

the truth is, i've never been able to be anything other than myself. i say what i think. i feel what i feel. and i wear my emotions on my sleeve. that translates into the people i am with generally knowing a little (or in this case, alot) of the real me. and that is very scary sometimes. i used to feel pretty secure in my own skin. but lately, i have battled insecurity about myself and what people think of me like i haven't in a long, long time. and i hate insecure. it goes against everything i stand for and want my kids to stand for. so tonight, we have a combination of a battle with insecurity rearing it's ugly head and very genuine and honest blabble about my heart and what is on it and people i have not seen ot talked to in a while, as well as someone I JUST MET, who probably didn't really need to hear anything other than "things have been fine. (smile politely)"

in the hour or so since this experience, i have allowed myself to concoct a menagerie of thoughts that these people must have of me and my matters of the heart as well as tell myself that they want nothing to do with me or my blabble at this point. insecurity and blabble is not such a good combination. i guess there are two morals of the story.