c spot: forlorn

i've been a little hum drum...blue...forlorn...eeore-ish, lately. and i haven't been able to put my finger on why. it's no secret that i don't transition well. and i already identified my sadness with the passing of the holiday season and the old year. (if you call the new year "new"...then it only makes sense to call the past year "old." i don't like the word old.) but this was different. it was depressing. it was energy zapping and joy stealing.

i've been surfing through the days...doing what was necessary. i fed and watered the kids. i mean the dog and cat. uh...i mean the flower beds. damn.

i kid.

but in all seriousness...today was the last day of christmas break and they deserved to do it up right. instead...i drug them to target and the mall to make christmas returns and ended up saying no to throwing pennies in the wishing fountain because of one, very ripe, poopie diaper.

i felt guilty because they know that their brother is off...flitting around iowa...having the time of his life. and here they are...stuck with the forlorn mall mom.

i tried to perk it up a little tonight and add bubbles to their baths...and read books before bed. but they know.

chase asked earlier today,

"mom...are you feeling ok?"

i told him the truth. that i was just a little hum drum.

****

tonight...after i tucked them safely into bed, i picked up the living room, changed a load of laundry, walked the dog, and then sat down and fired up the computer. something made me want to go through some old pictures...and i have no idea what. but i clicked onto the FALL 2007 album and began sifting through the photos. i smiled at colton's image and, once again marveled at how fast his youth is passing.

and then...

out of nowhere...

this image came next.

and the tears welled up and fell down my cheeks.

december 26th was the one-year anniversary of the night my grandpa died.

i have been quietly re-living last year's holiday season for the last month and tonight it finally made it's way to the service of my emotions. i don't know why it took so long. i kept remembering and i kept re-living and i kept thinking about him and missing him and wishing i could talk to him again. i have gone over and over his taking his last breath in front of my eyes. i have seen my dad put his hand on his dad's shoulder and say, "what an example he was to us all." i have pictured the blanket and the pillow that warmed his frail body and supported his head. i have remembered my last words to him. i have remembered how wrong it felt to watch death come over someone that i love. i remember it all.

the day after christmas, my mom, dad, brother and i went out to the cemetery. it was cold and windy and sad. i cried when i saw his name. i cried when i prayed for God to find him in Heaven and give him a hug from me. i cried when i told God to tell him how much we miss him and how much his great grandchildren still talk about him and how chase loves johnny cash because of him and how aiden softly sings "country roads" and "you are my sunshine" and that it has everything to do with him.

but for some reason...i couldn't get the sadness out.

until i surprisingly and randomly came across that picture of him...still full of life...celebrating one of my son's birthdays with us. did i pay enough attention to him that day? did i tell him how glad i was that he was there? did i tell him that i loved him?

i wasn't expecting it. and i wasn't prepared.

but it was just what i needed.

i cried...

and then i moved on.