she makes me brave.

i finally lit a candle, turned some music on, and sat down to write.  i miss writing.  i need writing.  it's how i re-charge...see the little things...find the magic.  it's how i learn and grow.  it's how i want my kids to see their mother.  it's how i sort things out.  it's how i see things.  it's how my voice is heard.

it's relaxing...

it's healing...

it's good.

and so...as we begin to slowly wrap this school year in brown paper and tie it up with a piece of twine...as we do all good school years...i wish to write more.  and if i'm wishing for things...i'll go ahead and wish to be less tired.  and to maybe add that 5th child to the family.  wait...what?  somewhere out there...chad just gasped and passed slap out.  it was a wish.  you can't sensor a wish.  you can't hold back.  dream big...right??

i know what you're thinking.  

"5th child?  less tired??  the two don't go together."

but that's what's so great about wishes.  they don't have to be logical.

****

i went to the dermatologist this morning.  and i'll explain in a moment why it was good that i had made this appointment a couple of months ago...as if the good Lord knew that something was gonna happen to send me into a tale spin of dermatological obsession.

it's never fun stripping down to your mis-matched undergarments.  i mean...it's possible i was wearing a nursing bra from the early 2000's.  you probably didn't need to know that...but i've always appreciated the details of a story.

soooo...after you have had the privilege of stripping down to next to nothin'...someone with perfect skin gets to examine...in detail...all of your flaws.  and i have a lot of em.

i was blessed with the light blue eyes/blonde hair curse.

bad skin.

not necessarily wrinkles...

but freckles.

so anyhow...after we had checked and double checked and triple checked...and had the hot, male intern come in to look at some "questionables"...i couldn't get dressed fast enough.

and that's all it takes, apparently, to put you right back in your place.  and to let you know that...without a doubt...whatever self confidence and security in yourself and your body you have grown into over the years had nothin' on a trip to the dermatologist.

****

on friday, i had the pleasure of going with a dear friend to take her 4 year old daughter to her chemo appointment at texas children's hospital.

this...this is a beautiful child.

this is a child i have prayed for...and had others pray for.

this is a child who is making a difference in this world.

and this is a child who will continue to make a difference with every smile and laugh and wise word spoken.

she makes me happy.

she makes me brave.  just being around her...she changes me.  i dig deep and find the courage that she shows me is there.  she is truthful.  she is wise.  she is full of life.  she is true beauty and goodness.  she is Jesus' strength and power and love.  she is real...and she is extraordinary.  she is what i long to be.

well...her mama was sick this particular day.  she was sick as can be.  she was the kind of sick that i have been afraid of since i was 12.  she was sick to her stomach.  and she was throwing up.  all. day. long.

she would hold herself together long enough to hold her baby down to be poked and prodded and never lose patience with the nurses who were doing it or the child who was demanding her strength that she didn't have.  and then she would calmly walk to the bathroom and wretch.  she had no nutrients or fluid in her body.  she had no fuel to sustain her.  yet she kept going.  she kept comforting.  and she kept singing lullabies.  and she kept whispering how much she loved her sweet girl.  and she kept playing.  and getting snacks for her girl.  and she kept having her sweet baby take sips of water....even though she was the one who was dehydrated and weak and thirsty.  she kept telling the doctors and nurses thank you.  she kept focusing on everyone but herself.  and when it came to pass that her baby was going to need a blood transfusion...keeping us tethered to the hospital well into the evening...she kept worrying about me.  me.

she worried about my children...at home, safety with my friend and neighbor.  she worried i would miss my soccer game.  she worried about me.

i couldn't believe what i was witnessing.  it was a kind of selflessness that i wasn't used to.  it was Jesus.  again.  it was love.  it was an example of how on the cross...when he had every right to be totally focused on his own cup...his own pain...his own circumstances...he shouted out to the Father to forgive me...that i didn't know what i was doing.  he loved me.

i don't think i will ever forget last friday.  it was a gift to be there with these two people.  whatever i did to help them that day doesn't compare to what they did for me.

God...bless them.  bless them both.  i beg.  they are here to serve you.  they are here to show people your love.  they do it well, Lord.  bless them for it.

****

 you may be wondering what the dermatologist has to do with that story.  well...as fate would have it...

while my friend was in the bathroom, throwing up for the bazillion time...a nurse walked up as i held that sweet girl in my lap and simply asked,

"are you her grandma?"

commence skin care regimen.