anger uncontrolled.

the past 2 days have been frustrating. for no big reasons that would make anyone mad or frustrated, but for little things that just seem to get under my skin. it has made me wonder if most days are like this for most people and it is just our present state-of-mind that determines how we deal with it...or if sometimes i really do go skipping through my day, swinging my purse, while whistling a happy tune because everything is going swimmingly. i hate frustration. i hate more that moment when your frustration turns to full on anger. when that happens to me, things have a tendancy to go down hill fast. everything then begins to make me angry and i become irrational in thought and usually take my anger out on someone who doesn't deserve it. (not that anyone ever really does.)

yesterday, i went to the mall with my mom, chase and aiden. it is warm enough here to wear flipflops but too early for aiden to wear sandals. last year, i got her a pair of pink crocs...not the real ones, obviously...but a pair for her to wear with jeans, shorts, and sundresses when there was no real need to go through the whole shoes and socks routine. i did this, under protest, because i thought...and still think...that those shoes are the ugliest footwear i have ever layed my eyes on. however, on aiden, i thought they were ok. not the greatest. still love plain, white sandals the best on little girls, but they look kind of funny with jeans, which she is still wearing. so...when i saw the children's imitation crocs on sale, i decided to get her another pair. i took off her shoes and tried some on her. i determined that she needed the 8...in pink please. so, even though the man tried to get me to buy a 9 (and now i know why), i said i wanted the 8. he rang them up, tried to talk me into some of those little charmy things that go in the holes of the shoes...unsuccessfully, and i was on my way. she got them out and put them on and wore them outside, enough to get the bottoms all dirty. when i noticed them on her feet, i thought they looked a little smaller than what the pair that i tried on her did. after she took them off, i looked at the bottoms to check the size and they were 7s. and not only 7s...but two different size 7s. one is clearly smaller than the other and too small for her feet. instant frustration.

i went on a search today to get a new Bible. my old one is about to fall apart and i don't want it to because my parents gave it to me and i love it. so, i went to every bookstore known to man in search of a plain, brown leather Bible. not black. not burgandy. not hunter green. not pink. not a study Bible. not a read in a year one. not a paraphrased one. not one for women, or the Bible for people of the military, or firemen, or golfers. (they really had the Bible for golfers) i don't want two toned or beaded or embelished with celtic crosses or anything else. i want a plain, brown, leather Bible. do you know that they don't sell those? is brown not a very common leather color? you can get brown leather anything. even brown leather Bible covers. but don't even think about trying to find a plain, brown leather Bible. it's not gonna happen. frustration mounting. even while searching for God's word...which is what i needed to be bathing in at this point.

then, i went to hang the pictures that i got framed from new york for our theater room. they had been sitting in the corner for me to do and i finally got around to doing it. when i went to nail them to the wall, i realized that there were no picture hangers on the back of the frames. i hate that. so...i rumaged through my took box and found some make-shift hangers that would work and nailed my finger and stripped my screw driver trying to get those miniscule screws into the frame that hold the hanger in place. frustration thinking about turning to anger.

then, i looked in the mirror and hated my hair. i instantly got mad that i have not taken the time to get my hair cut in months and that it is so straggly at the bottom that it appeared frizzy today. i hate frizzy. then i noticed the mascara that gets under my eyes about half-way through the day due to buying cheap mascara. now, this happens every day and i just wipe it away until i can buy new mascara...but today...that cheap mascara was the point. the boiling point.

cue the irrational thought that it is better to have no make-up on and have my hair in a bun on top of my head than to look at myself for one more second like that. now cue the irrational behavior of frantically washing my face and throwing my pony tail holder when it won't hold my hair the way i want it to. people at church tonight may wonder why i look like i rolled in right out of bed. i don't care. there is satisfaction in taking control of the mascara and hair problem. sort of.

then, i went to find colton a plain white t-shirt to put on after his shower. i opened the dryer, filled with whites, and began digging around. now. i promise you, that if i was not looking for a plain white t-shirt, everything i pulled out of there would be a plain white t-shirt. but since i was looking for just 1 of the 10 plain shite t-shirts in there...all i kept pulling out were socks and chad's underwear. so...naturally...i got mad at chad and his white underwear that was taking up all the dryer space and causing me to not get my t-shirt that i need. cue the angry behavior of throwing clean whites everywhere until i find one.

that was the moment that chad walked in and asked what i was doing. now cue me flying off the handle because my jeans feel tight. what am i really mad at?