chad vs. mindy...head vs. heart

so... you know how you're not supposed to "drunk-text?"  well...i'm pretty sure that applies to blogging as well.  but...alas, here i am...willing to pour out my heart just because i poured a small glass of wine.

ok.

so i guess...that doesn't classify this as a "drunk" post.  but a "timpsy" one? 

well...probably not even that. 

but...

i am in a good "pondering" mood.

why do relationships have to be so hard?  i mean...if you ask yourself, "are things supposed to be like they are in the movies?"...you would totally say no.

but then, "are things supposed to be like they are on a bad episode of keeping up with the kardashians?"  again...no.

so...what are things really supposed to be like?

chad and i have come to an impass, of sorts.  we are two creatures of very different habits and are cut from two entirely different molds.

he thinks.

i feel.

i know what you're thinking.  this is the way most husbands and wives are.  the whole "men are from mars and women are from venus" book proves that.  but this is different.

he takes forever to make a decision...thinks about it for days...then thinks about it some more...then re-analyzes why he is thinking about it...then forgets that he's thinking about it for several months...then thinks about thinking about it again...and then sweeps that thought under the rug...and then finally thinks about it some more...then makes a decision...and then second guesses that decision...and then pretends the whole thing never happened. 

it's a wonder we ever made it down the isle.

the fact that we did, is enough confirmation for me to believe that God was in this thing, to last a life time.

me?

well...

i have an idea pop into my head...ask my heart what it thinks for about 8.24 seconds...and then...BOOM...decision made...done.

never think about it again.

so...what is this all about, you may be wondering?

the adoption.

are we really supposed to adopt a baby girl with down syndrome and bring her into our family as our own?

has God, himself, really "called" us to do this?

to me...

there is no question.

to chad...

reality and responsibility to our four, present children is something that needs to be further evaluated and prayed about.

does this lead to frustration...arguing...resentment...unrest?

absolutely.

is it a bad thing?

no.

it is hard for me to admit that.

it is hard for me to admit that i may not ever hold that baby girl and tell her how much we loved and wanted her.  it is hard for me not to blame chad.  it is hard for me to see how God is using my husband to guide us and grow us and lead us.  it is hard for me to be patient.  again.

but i will.

because that is what God is asking me to do.

and no matter how hard it is to admit...

He deals with me...and He deals with chad...

and He loves us both.

and He knows who the baby would be if we did get her...

and He loves her too.

and He knows what's best for us all.

please God...

have favor on us.

have favor on us all.