c spot: growing up fast

this morning, i set my alarm for a little bit earlier than usual...braided hair a little bit tighter...poured a little more cereal in their bowls...pressed her skirt so that it would lay just right...and lingered a little longer over their lunches.

this morning was a little different. i only had 2 to get ready for elementary school instead of 3. aiden would no longer have both of her brothers looking out for her. chase was taking over sole, big brother duties at bauerschag elementary school.

and he was ready. the first thing he said to me this morning was,

"i'm really growing, mom."

yes you are, baby.

while i was braiding aiden's hair...there was a minute where neither of us were talking. i was braiding with a little more care and she was standing a little more still than usual.

she broke the silence with a quiet,

"i love you, mom."

i love you more, baby.

when i dreamed of having a daughter...i dreamed of long braids tied with ribbons, gathered skirts with knee socks, and red buckle shoes.

these children have full filled so many of my dreams. some that i knew about...like long braids tied with ribbons...and some that were silently nestled deep down in my soul...

like black, rimmed glasses...dressing them in their first sports uniforms...homeschooling in 6th grade...watching them learn how to ride a horse...or fish...or read...listening to them play together when they don't know you are listening...reading their writing...and listening to their thoughts at bedtime.

and most of all...

watching and feeling their bond;

with each other...

and with us.

motherhood is an emotional way of life.

it's more than a job. it's more than a hobby.

and it might not be politically correct to say...

and i'm probably setting back the feminist movement 20 years...

but it has become who i am.

it has changed me.

and i'm ok with that.

i didn't know selfless love before.

i didn't know sacrifice.

i couldn't say that i would lay my life down for someone else.

but these kids of mine? i would die for them.

i would stop everything i'm doing and instead of using my freedom that sending them to school brings...i would keep one of them at home and spend my days teaching him myself...

because i know that it is what is best for him...individually.

and i know this about him because of how much i love him.

in 27 minutes...he and i will walk 5 yards to our home school room together...

and we will start a journey.

it may last 1 year...or it may last 7.

but i can't wait to spend our days together again...just like we did when he was a toddler. only i will be replacing bubbles and blocks with reading and conversation.

he and i have great conversations. and i am so happy to get to have them with him all day long about so many different things.

and this one??? well...she's along for the ride...

and doing growing of her own.