the first

colton lloy: january 14, 2011

10 years



today i had to tell myself that this was just another day...and that colton was only 1 day older than he was yesterday, when he was just 9.  i knew that it would do no good to get all emotional and sniffly and teary.  and let's be honest...that is what i'm good at.  however, i knew that colton didn't need me celebrating him and his turning 10 that way.  he has seen me cry over the last month more times than the poor dear has wanted to and has tried to be such a comforter.  i didn't want him having to comfort me on his big day.  so, i held it together. until he left for school.  then, i sat down and thought about him and reminisced over the last 10 years.  then i wrote.

*

colton is 10.  today.  why does it hurt so much...how fast the last 10 years have passed by?  no doubt, we have been present and enjoyed many of the moments of his life thus far, but what haunts me are the moments that quietly slipped by...without notice or particular attention.  you can't go back.  there is no rewind.  and my arms ache to hold him again.

i once heard a story about people who have lost limbs in accidents.  they say that there are random times where they feel the phantom limb that is no longer there.  i feel that sometimes.  a muscle memory of bending down to scoop him up, or tie his shoe, or give him a reassuring hug and kiss on the cheek...or a heart memory of the pride i felt when he would appropriately pluck the strings of a guitar with perfect form and syncopation before he was 2 years old.  he was special.  he was my first baby.  he was the first of so many things.

he was the first double pink line on a pregnancy test.  the first promise of life.  the first time my heart seemed to grow an extra beat.  the first labor of pain.  the first miracle seen enter my world.  the first heartbreak.  the first gripping fear.  the first time i wanted to die in the place of someone else.  the first time God audibly spoke.  the first swaddled newborn in my arms.  the first baby bath.  the first comforting hush.  the first time my tears mixed with another's.  the first time i ever put my body second and gave everything i had to another.  the first nursing.  the first feel of milk being made and providing nutrients and comfort.  the first tiny diapers.  the first soft outfit picked out especially for him.  the first overalls.  the first spit up.  the first pappy.  the first lullaby.  the first real smile.  the first laugh.  the first immunizations.  the first question.  the first true gratefulness.  the first bond.  the first grasp.  the first sit.  the first crawl.  the first step.  the first toys.  the first word.  the first birthday.  the first grasp of a bat and ball.  the first t-ball season.  the first movie.  the first time to loosen my hold.  the first day of school.  the first scraped knee.  the first dance.  the first picture in crayon.  the first grade.  the first reader.  the first brother.  the first to leave toddler hood.  the first to chew gum.  the first video game.  the first to pull away.  the first to help.  the first time that the wish list could not be found at a toy store.  the first to go it alone.  the first to make a basket.  the first to take my heart out of the door with him when he left without remembering to say goodbye.  the first to hit the half way mark to leaving home.  the first double digits.  the first time i had to take a deep breath and blow it out slowly to try and catch my breath after admitting how quickly the time will come to watch him leave as a man.

i know that my phantom limb will act up every now and then.  there will be times when my heart will, by instinct, reach to pick him up or search for his chubby cheek to kiss...and the moments in my mind will have to suffice.  for now, i will hold him as long as he will let me...his legs dangling from my lap to the floor, and kiss his cheeks.  i will enjoy every moment, every game, every homework help, every scraped knee, every question, every attitude, every smile and roll of his eyes.  i will enjoy everything.

i have to tell myself that today is just like any other day, and that he is only 1 day older than he was yesterday, when he was only 9.  and pray that i don't miss anything and that time will slow itself for the next 8 years.  it's just a day.

the first day that he's 10.