detachment

he's home.  i make it a point, like i've said before, not to ever blog about chad being out of town when he is, in fact, actually out of town.  something about that goes against every bit of the "safety first" training that i received from my parents for the first 20 + years of my life.  furthermore...i hate it when i'm all "hush-hush-private-don't-let-the-whole-world-know-i'm-here-with-four-kids-all-by-myself" and then i notice that his facebook status reads, "havin' a blast here in cuba/ukrain/california/budapest/dallas/freakin timbuktu."  um...thanks for blowin' my cover!  he says, "only my "friends" can see that."  yeah...all 888 of your closest friends.  well, why didn't you say so??  now i feel safe and secure!"  i'm still convinced that facebook may end up being the anti-christ.*

anyways...let me get back on track. 

chad has been gone.  a lot.  a month, or so ago, he was in california for over 2 weeks for school.  and last night, he got back from being in ukraine, autria, and hungary for a solid week.  in between, there was a dallas trip.  he was also in florida (i think??) recently.  i could be remembering that one wrong.  i mean...it may have been somewhere else.  i can't keep it straight anymore.  and that fact, alone, should prove my point. 

the kids are 10, 8, 5, and 18 months.  they love their daddy. 

i am a tired stay-at-home-mom (who is not a 25 year old whippersnapper anymore.)  i love my husband.  i need my husband. 

he has always traveled.  when colt and chase were little, i would gripe and complain with the best of 'em and do annoying things like make my body go limp and hang on to his leg while screaming, "plllleeeeaaaasssse don't go." (not really.  but you get the point.) 

then, when aiden was a baby...i guess i just sorta got used to it.  i took on the i'm-a-very-capable-woman-who-can-run-this-household-with-one-hand-tied-behind-her-back stance.  i'm like supermom.  i should have a damn S on my chest.  i've coasted through the last 5+ years with that adopted approach.  and it's been effective. 

but this last trip...i noticed something. 

i noticed that the kids didn't ask when he was going to be home anymore.  i noticed that colton didn't cry (at least once) wanting his dad to tuck him in instead of me.  i noticed that annslee never, not once, said "dada."  i noticed that chase didn't pray for him as much.  i noticed aiden didn't say she missed him.  i noticed that i didn't wonder if i was going to get a text from him, asking if i was near a computer so that we could chat on facebook.  i noticed that we were not counting the days until he got home.  they didn't seem to need to know where he was.  they didn't seem to want to know what he was doing.  and, the one time that we did get to chat on facebook, when i called them all into the room to "talk" to daddy via instant message, they nonchalantly went back to their individual activities without any interest.  chase said, "that's not talking to daddy." 

and he was right.

that made me think.  it made me think about what was happening right before our eyes. 

believe me...i know we are extremely lucky.  there are people and families all over the world who have to be separated from each other.  i have great respect for military families (and the like) who have to say goodbye to moms and dads, sons and daughters, husbands and wives, for...sometimes...very long stretches of time.  don't think for an instant that i don't know how lucky we are.  but...this blog is about our reality...my family's reality.  and what has happened as a result of chad's traveling...whether it could  be worse, or not. 

we have slowly grown accustomed to it.  and i'm not sure that's a good thing.  maybe it is.  but something deep inside of my heart whispers that it's not.  it's not that they've learned to understand the importance of what their daddy is doing in those far-off places...it's that they've learned how to detach themselves from it.  from him.  they've learned not to worry about when he is going to get home this time...because he will be leaving again anyway.

as he pulled into the driveway, i wondered how the youngest...the baby...the one who is the most forgiving would respond to her daddy, after not seeing him or hearing his voice for what, to her, is an eternity.

do you know what she did?

she walked out the front door; paused; looked at the man standing on the driveway; let it register in her sweet, innocent heart who it was...and RAN...with out-stretched arms...as fast as her little legs could take her, into his arms. 

see...she hasn't learned the art of detachment yet.

not that i want her to.

* i do not actually believe that facebook is the anti-christ.  please do not make this blog a forward to the church staff-causing an intervention like response.