it's 5:00 somewhere.

this happened yesterday.  and it was not pretty.  in all my 10+ years of parenting, this has never happened before, and by God...it will never happen again. 

my phone was charging in my bedroom when i heard it ring from the living room.  i've gotten a little too trusting of the puddin cup...therefore walked out of the living room and into the bedroom to answer the phone.  i was gone, like, .02 seconds before returning to the scene.  see, she's sneaky.  and miniature.  so, she can slip off somewhere and start getting herself into trouble before you even notice she's gone.  this is lesson number 1, from yesterday.  don't trust her just yet.  not until she's, like 4.  or 22.

still on the phone...i see her standing in the middle of the living room.  she has something hanging out of her mouth.  i walk over to her to get a closer look.  it appears to be toilet paper.  i'm not panicking or anything.  she has had this fascination with toilet paper for a while.  this is old news.  she likes to sneak into the bathroom and pull some off the roll and rip it into the tiniest shreds possible and leave trails for herself...just in case she gets lost and needs help finding her way back to the toilet paper roll.  then i notice that it's wet.  ok.  well, that's a little weird.  how did she get it wet?  i know she's a total brilliant mind and everything...but i also know she doesn't even come close to being able to reach the sink to turn on the water.  then...i realize where the water soaked toilet paper had to have come from. 

"gotta go!"  i hung up the phone, grabbed the toilet paper from her mouth and hands, which she began struggling, screaming, and fighting for instantly...and began prying it away from her as it dripped all over the place.  on a slightly different note, let it be noted that for such a little gnome, she is freakishly strong.  she followed me into the bathroom and as if chewing on wet toilet paper wasn't gross enough, confirming just where that wet toilet paper had come from...was.  there...my grossest parenting moment thus far was confirmed.  the toilet had not been flushed, and she had fished some of the used toilet paper out and began sucking on it.  there was a lovely pee water trail that started at the toilet bowl.  i scooped her up...still protesting and not understanding why i was panicking and screaming, "oh-annslee-gross-oh-my-gosh-gross-gross-oh-my-gosh-annslee-oh-no-gross-no-gross-gross-gross," put her in my bathtub and stripped her down to her diaper faster than a jack rabbit being hunted.  i found myself thinking, "get her bathed before she puts her hands in her mouth."  however, then i realized that ship had already sailed.  i took her diaper off to discover she must have just pooped.  i had no wipes, the water was running and then she peed all over the bathtub and plopped down to smear her own crap all over the tub while she slipped and slid all over the place.  she was now covered in someone else's pee, her own pee, her own poop and there was nothing else i could do but get my hands dirty in order to help my poor, little, poop and pee covered sugar plum.  i shrugged my shoulders, took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and went in.  after getting her hosed down, getting all the poop shoveled toward the drain and washed down, and the tub scrubbed with soap and my hand because i didn't have anything else in there and i couldn't leave her in that condition by herself because we've already discovered what she can do when left unattended, i bathed her.  i fought my urge to use bleach on her, and didn't even concern myself with the fact that every inch of my house was now contaminated with e-coli and maybe even the ebola virus.  i got the little doll out of the tub after a good scrubbing and reached for a towel.  in .001 second flat, she started peeing on the bathroom floor and then slipped in it and splashed it all over herself and the bathroom.  back in the tub you go. 

i put her down for a nap and began cleaning and taking a friend's advise, repeated to myself over and over..."that never happened...that never happened...that never happened." 

then i seriously thought about a stiff, adult beverage, and said to myself, "it's 5:00 somewhere."  and i would have had one too.  if i wasn't too busy cleaning and sterilizing to pour it.