seeking hope

it's been a rough month.  i've never asked for prayer from blog readers.  (i don't think.)  however, i think that i have always been transparent and authentic.  so, although this blog post was supposed to be a few quotes from the kids, "it's been a rough month" blurted out before i could stop it.  i am asking that if you are the praying kind...will you please pray for me?

as of last night, my number one prayer right now is that i will feel good.  it has been a really looonnnng time since i could say that i felt good physically.  truthfully, a lot of my physical issues are a result of anxiety and emotional stuff.  i am to the point now, that i don't feel like i will be able to continue to fight those strong holds in my life (and i've been fighting them since 7th grade...and i don't even want to do the math to know how many years i have allowed joy to be stolen from me due to OCD related fear and anxiety) unless i can feel good.  to me, that seems to be a pretty simple request.  most people feel good, i think.  most people wake up...go to their work place, take care of their kids, volunteer their services at school, go to lunch, go shopping, do housework, sign their kids up for soccer, etc, etc, etc.  i wake up wondering if i am going to feel queasy, feel dizzy, have diarrhea, be tired, feel sad, be able to eat, or have any energy.  this is not normal.  i know this is not normal.  i have gone to doctors, i have self-talked, i have prayed, i have tried to force myself to keep going, and rebuked satan himself.  and lately, if i'm honest, i have given up.  i lay on the couch, and do just enough to get by.  i have basically isolated myself.  i don't want to leave the house.  i don't want to eat.  i don't want to do anything, other than stay in the safety of my own environment, so that if i don't feel good...i am secure and........safe, i guess. and i don't have to worry about what "could happen" out there.  i don't have to clean the cart or go through another bottle of hand gel, or tell annslee not to touch something, or worry about what would happen if i got sick. don't get me wrong...over the years, i have gone in and out of being strong enough to fight it.  sometimes, it is almost dormant and i feel (dare i say) "normal".  and at other times, it is gripping.  last week, i thought it was better and then this week, i have struggled.  none-the-less...i don't want to live this way anymore.  i can't live this way anymore.  

it is a huge risk to type the truth.  it is an even bigger risk to publish it.  but, at this point, what do i have to lose?  will you consider praying for me?  it makes me cry to even type that.  maybe because i'm scared no one will or it won't work.  maybe i'm scared you will think bad of me.  maybe i'm scared that i will appear weak or crazy or wrong.  maybe i'm scared you will feel sorry for my poor husband and kids and think i'm a horrible wife and mom.  if you think those things...there is nothing i can do about it.  but if you want to help me...i think i may feel stronger.  just because i know you care.  maybe it will feel like hope.

the first

colton lloy: january 14, 2011

10 years



today i had to tell myself that this was just another day...and that colton was only 1 day older than he was yesterday, when he was just 9.  i knew that it would do no good to get all emotional and sniffly and teary.  and let's be honest...that is what i'm good at.  however, i knew that colton didn't need me celebrating him and his turning 10 that way.  he has seen me cry over the last month more times than the poor dear has wanted to and has tried to be such a comforter.  i didn't want him having to comfort me on his big day.  so, i held it together. until he left for school.  then, i sat down and thought about him and reminisced over the last 10 years.  then i wrote.

*

colton is 10.  today.  why does it hurt so much...how fast the last 10 years have passed by?  no doubt, we have been present and enjoyed many of the moments of his life thus far, but what haunts me are the moments that quietly slipped by...without notice or particular attention.  you can't go back.  there is no rewind.  and my arms ache to hold him again.

i once heard a story about people who have lost limbs in accidents.  they say that there are random times where they feel the phantom limb that is no longer there.  i feel that sometimes.  a muscle memory of bending down to scoop him up, or tie his shoe, or give him a reassuring hug and kiss on the cheek...or a heart memory of the pride i felt when he would appropriately pluck the strings of a guitar with perfect form and syncopation before he was 2 years old.  he was special.  he was my first baby.  he was the first of so many things.

he was the first double pink line on a pregnancy test.  the first promise of life.  the first time my heart seemed to grow an extra beat.  the first labor of pain.  the first miracle seen enter my world.  the first heartbreak.  the first gripping fear.  the first time i wanted to die in the place of someone else.  the first time God audibly spoke.  the first swaddled newborn in my arms.  the first baby bath.  the first comforting hush.  the first time my tears mixed with another's.  the first time i ever put my body second and gave everything i had to another.  the first nursing.  the first feel of milk being made and providing nutrients and comfort.  the first tiny diapers.  the first soft outfit picked out especially for him.  the first overalls.  the first spit up.  the first pappy.  the first lullaby.  the first real smile.  the first laugh.  the first immunizations.  the first question.  the first true gratefulness.  the first bond.  the first grasp.  the first sit.  the first crawl.  the first step.  the first toys.  the first word.  the first birthday.  the first grasp of a bat and ball.  the first t-ball season.  the first movie.  the first time to loosen my hold.  the first day of school.  the first scraped knee.  the first dance.  the first picture in crayon.  the first grade.  the first reader.  the first brother.  the first to leave toddler hood.  the first to chew gum.  the first video game.  the first to pull away.  the first to help.  the first time that the wish list could not be found at a toy store.  the first to go it alone.  the first to make a basket.  the first to take my heart out of the door with him when he left without remembering to say goodbye.  the first to hit the half way mark to leaving home.  the first double digits.  the first time i had to take a deep breath and blow it out slowly to try and catch my breath after admitting how quickly the time will come to watch him leave as a man.

i know that my phantom limb will act up every now and then.  there will be times when my heart will, by instinct, reach to pick him up or search for his chubby cheek to kiss...and the moments in my mind will have to suffice.  for now, i will hold him as long as he will let me...his legs dangling from my lap to the floor, and kiss his cheeks.  i will enjoy every moment, every game, every homework help, every scraped knee, every question, every attitude, every smile and roll of his eyes.  i will enjoy everything.

i have to tell myself that today is just like any other day, and that he is only 1 day older than he was yesterday, when he was only 9.  and pray that i don't miss anything and that time will slow itself for the next 8 years.  it's just a day.

the first day that he's 10.

the run

i went running a few days ago.  i'm just now recovering.  it didn't start out as a run.  chad came through the door and somehow knew that he needed to take over homework duty right away.  thankfully.  i don't know what i was thinking...other than that i hadn't been out of the house in a couple of days (other than to pick the kids up from school...which doesn't really count) and i wanted to feel this cold snap everyone was talking about.  so...i dusted off my nikes and told chad to hold down the fort...that i was going for a little walk around the block.  he said, "good for you."  which i thought was peculiar at the time, and i'm still not sure exactly what he meant.  i think it was in reference to my lack of physical activity lately.  and by lately...i mean the last 10 years or so.  anyway...i grabbed the ipod and hit the sidewalk.  because i used to be a runner, i guess it felt weird to just be walking.  so i started to jog.  i made a goal for myself to make it to the end of the street without stopping.  and when i got to the end of the street, i decided to try to make it until the end of the block.  and when i made it to the end of the block, i decided to try to make it around the block and to the park.  when i got to the crossing to get to the park, a car was coming and i had to stop.  which was a good thing...because my everything was starting to hurt.  even my uterus.  i thought, "dear God...i've bounced my tired, ole, worn out uterus to the point of rupturing or something."  i ran/walked the rest of the way home.  when i rounded the corner for home...i felt really good.  i had run 80 % of the time...and i was pretty proud of myself.  i knocked on the front door and waiting for someone to let me in.  at that point...i wasn't feeling so good anymore.  my ears where freezing, my lungs started burning, my shins hurt, my uterus was still cussing at me, and i started feeling a little pass outish.  i all but fell in the door when chase opened it.  chad looked at me...non impressed.   i sat in the foyer...leaning against the wall and tried to breath slowly while chad went back to chase's math homework.  i could have died...to the sound of second grade word problems. it could be a while before i do that again.  now that i think about it...inside the house is a great place to be.

gratitude

#51  the little blue box (tiffany's)

#52  a good doctor

#53  pretty jewelry

#54  tea with mom

#55  buying birthday presents

#56  a baby's first steps alone on wobbly legs

#57  open mouth smiles

#58  chase's dimples

#59  kids trying to wink

#60  validation

#61  a fire in the fireplace

#62  husbands graciously taking over in the evenings when they sense their love needs a break

#63  a listening ear

#64  telling it like it is

#65  gentleness

#66  humility

#67  science fair projects

#68  wise council

#69  getting lost in the pages of a good book

#70  the new people magazine

#71  a hot meal

#72  the smell of a baby freshly bathed

#73  cracker barrel rocking chairs

#74  big front porches

#75   jacks  (the game)

#76  a good pair of jeans

#77  the smell of a man wearing cologne

#78  the number 8

#79  sesame street

#80  dinner and a movie

my grandpa...a man unlike any other

me and grandpa in a familiar and favorite position (home from clemson - spring break 1997)

i told you i would post what i wrote and read at grandpa's funeral.  i guess i needed some time.  it's important to me that you know him a little better and grasp a little bit of how great he was and why we love and miss him so much.  here he is.  grandpa...a man unlike any other.

* * * *

over the last several months, i had the honor of spending a lot of time with my grandpa...a man who was more like Jesus than most any other person i have even known.  i thought i knew my grandpa.  i certainly knew him from childhood.  i had my memories and an accurate appreciation for peppermint ice cream and soft, funny ear noises.  i couldn't listen to him play i'll fly away, one of my most requested, without singing along with him on the chorus or hear johnny cash's folsom prison blues without picturing him...perched on the fire place hearth of his duncunville home, with me knelt beside him on the floor, begging him to play my favorite guitar parts again...knowing he would let me do the strumming.  i know all of the words to tennessee flat top box...and when i would sing you are my sunshine to my kids, i could hear grandpa accompanying me in my head...singing along in perfect melody.  i would always be reminded of him every time i watched it's a wonderful life...because i always thought he looked like jimmy stewart,  or when i read or saw to kill a mockingbird.  i am convinced that the character of atticus finch is my favorite because i think gregory peck  looks like him as well...and grandpa might as well have been atticus finch...the way he tenderly knelt to talk to his daughter, scout or gently and respectfully corrected his son, jim.  i knew we were to root for the cowboys and the OU sooners, and i'll never forget his surprise when i asked him to dance with me at my wedding to the judd's song, grandpa.  that was him.  and i knew him.

however, over the last months of his life, i was privileged to be able to get to know him in a whole new way.  i finally took the time to enter his world...to listen to him...to ask questions...and to learn.  i began longing for those moments...stealing them away from my life in the evenings after my kids were in bed.  i knew i wouldn't have him much longer.  and i began appreciating this wise man in new ways.  i appreciated my grandpa...and the man of God that he was.  i saw and became in awe of his gentleness...and his character...and his wisdom.  i got to pray with him.  i got to tell him of his worth...to us, and on this earth.  i got to tell him that i do the soft, funny ear noise in my kid's ears and that they lean in close and giggle and ask me to do it again, just like i did when he would do it to me as a little girl.  i got to tell him that i sing you are my sunshine to my kids and that they know all the words and can sing it too.  i got to share chocolate malts with him and offer what little encouragement i could when he was down.  i got to remind him that my youngest daughter's name is annslee james - and that i was so proud that she shared a name with him.  i will tuck away these moments and carry them with me...because now, they are all that i have of him.

on one of these treasured evenings with grandpa, i brought my bible along...thinking he may want me to read to him.  he was comfortable, and content and asked for me to read from ephesians.  i started at the beginning and he closed his eyes to listen.  i stopped when i thought he had drifted off, but he opened his eyes and made a reference to the verse i had just read and explained it to me in a way i hadn't thought of before.  i asked him if i should keep going and he said, "yes."  i got to ephesians 4 and began the chapter:

"i, therefore a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the spirit in the bond of peace."

at that, i stopped and said..."grandpa...that is what you have done.  you have lived your life in a manner worthy of the calling.  you are the most humble, gentle, patient, and loving man i know.  you are such a great example to us."

i needed him to know, that while i still cherished and appreciated my memories of him from childhood...i was appreciating his character and the fact that i could look at him and see what it meant to be like Jesus.

in the last days of his life, grandpa asked to hear the song, back home again.    i'm sure he was recalling an old record or tape...but was pleasantly contented when my brother, kevin pulled john denver's version up on his phone and held it by his ear for him to listen to over and over again.  i think this song has come to mean a great deal to all of us now...and our favorite version of it is the one you are about to hear.  he recorded us a treasure...long ago, with a small tape recorder, a cassette tape, his guitar, and his sweet, sweet voice.  this is grandpa...playing and singing to us, just like he always loved to do.  our lives will not be the same without this man in them...but i know heaven is rejoicing...because grandpa just made it home.

* * * *

how i wish i was technically savvy enough to be able to have that song playing for you while you read this...but i am just not.  i have no idea how to do that. 

anyway...i do hope you enjoyed getting to know grandpa a little.  your life would have been enriched had you known him personally...just as ours are.

me and grandpa dancing to the judd's grandpa at our wedding (november 27, 1999)

my knuckles are sore from such a tight grip

i realized a few days ago that i couldn't always tell them "NO."  i feel like i say no way more than i say yes.  and let's face it..."YES" is way more fun.  for the kids and the parents, really. 

this time last year, colton was friends with a kid in his class who invited colton and another kid to go to the monster truck show at reliant stadium for the kid's birthday.  when i got the call from the mom, whom i didn't know at all, she said that her husband, whom i didn't know even more, was going to pick up the boys, take them to buffalo wild wings and then on to the truck show.  i hem hawed around...trying to quickly come up with a reason that colton couldn't go.  when i couldn't think on my feet fast enough, i resorted to the ole' "let me talk to my husband and get back to you."  chad wasn't exactly comfortable with it either...and he usually lives by the "what could go wrong" motto.  so, we decided that colton could go, but only if chad went along too.  it needs to be said that reliant stadium is all the way across town...not just up the street.

so they went, and it was fine.

a few days ago, the dad contacted chad and said that they were doing the same thing again this year.  huuuuuhhhhhhh.  (that's a long sigh.)  anyway, i said to chad..."here's the deal.  i know we can't always tell them no and that colton is almost 10 years old and in fourth grade and we have to loosen the grips a little and let him do some stuff with his friends, but i'm gonna have to rely on your good judgement and gut feel, because my gut feel is always fear and what if.  so, i will go along with whatever you think here."  chad said he felt fine with it...so that was that.  we did get an extra, simple cell phone added to our plan that is to serve as our home line.  it is always plugged into the kitchen wall and it is super simple so the kids know just how to use it if they ever needed to.  also, they can give that number to their friends, etc.  the plus is that colt could take that phone with him tonight.  he has already called to check in once.  God love him.

chad was not here when the dad came to pick up colt tonight...so i got to make a fool out of myself alone.  my deal was...that i needed to tell him that we didn't want any drinking.  it was uncomfortable to say...but i just had to bite the bullet and say it.  when i did, he looked at me weird and said, "oh no...they won't be drinking."  i said, "no...you."  that was a stellar moment.

about 10 minutes after they left, i got a call from the dad saying that buffalo wild wings was packed and he wondered if we were ok with him taking the boys to hooters.  i was at a total loss for words...but finally choked out, "ummm...we are not really comfortable with the kids being there."  he said ok, and that he would find somewhere else.  i hung up having that feeling from jr. high...when i felt like i was a huge dork and that people probably thought i was the biggest nerd ever.  but then i decided that i didn't care if he thought i was a dork or a nerd or different than everybody else.  i am different.  i love Jesus...and i want to protect my kids from things they are not ready for...and if that makes me a dork...so be it. 

i've come a long way since jr. high.  sometimes, anyway.

so, here i sit...waiting for our pizza to arrive.  and waiting for colton to call me again after he gets to the stadium and seated...and counting the minutes until he runs up the front walk and into the safety of our home...where i know he is protected and secure.  he's lucky the monster truck show isn't closer...or i may be dressed in camo, hiding out with binoculars a few rows back!  geeesh....how will i be able to take the dating years????

the pizza just arrived and it was brought to us by a young 16 or so kid.  i wonder how his mother handles it?

and the award goes to...

today i put makeup on for the first time since grandpa's funeral.  i think chad was starting to wonder if i was ever going to look any different than when i go to bed at night.  and trust me...it's not a good look.  it's true.  i've been in either sweats or pajamas, with my nappy hair in a bun, and a naked face for a week.  watching the people's choice awards tonight is making me feel like a real winner.  which brings me to a point.  how many award shows do these people need to pat themselves on the back?  and how could i win one myself?  you don't see doctors or teachers or moms, for that matter, getting crap like that.  and i think we should.  i think i'll gather all my little mom friends and travel somewhere cool, rent a beautiful theater, dress in millions of dollars worth of gowns and diamonds, get our hair and makeup done, get all kinds of free stuff, give ourselves super expensive crystal or golden trophies, and then give speeches about how great we are.  i think i should be up for the "winner of the mom of the most children award" as well as "best supporting mom from the rocking chair while trying to keep a baby in on multiple months of bedrest".  or possibly..."winner of the being able to get 4 kids and myself dressed and hair done in 14 minutes flat with a crying baby hanging off my hip award."  those are just some suggestions.  i'm not totally settled on what i should be awarded for. 

that was a tangent, if i've ever been on one. 

today was good.  like i said, i got dressed, put makeup on, and ventured out of the house for the first time this year.  my mom came to watch aj so that i could go to the store to get some groceries.  i didn't bring my "a" game or anything.  i didn't even have a list.  but i had not been grocery shopping since before christmas.  we were starting to live off of dried, stale cereal.  it was not good.  a friend called and wanted me to stop by on my way to the store because she had something for me.  instead of a sympathy card, that she knew would just depress me and make me cry, she gave me a ponytail holder (she knows i like my bird's nest buns!!) with a silver heart on it.  it was the perfect gift.  i love friends that know what you need.  thanks g.

i actually fixed something for dinner...which is not really important.  other than to let you know that we are not living on fast food, lest you were concerned. 

supposedly, we are going to have an arctic blast at the end of this week.  i'll believe that when i see it.

here's to getting out of sweats, putting on a little lip gloss, groceries, and a dressing up of my nappy hair.

happy wednesday.  (and by happy...i mean, a day without tearing.  i think.)

gratitude

i have not really thought about the new year, resolutions...changes i want to make...etc. etc. etc.  but i have decided that this blog is going to be a tangible way that i can be grateful.  i'm hoping that being diligent in recording my simple gratitudes will transform my heart...that has been battling an ever present and somewhat debilitating negativity that has silently taken root and exponentially flourished over the course of my adult life.  i am nothing like i was as a child, or young adult.  i used to be carefree, happy-go-lucky, happy, filled with life, celebratory, smiling, laughing, "bull in a china closet" (as termed by my dad), non-regretting, positive girl.  i will not go into great detailed length about how my heart feels now, but i will say that i am a far cry from that girl.  at least it feels like i am a far cry from her.  although, i'm holding out hope that she is not too far buried in there and that a little disciplined graciousness will cause the clouds to part in my heart.  so here goes...

I'M GRATEFUL FOR...

#1  a close family

#2  unconditional love (even when i doubt it)

#3  long-distance friendships that remain strong

#4  aiden softly singing "you are my sunshine" to grandpa at his viewing

#5  grandpa's hat

#6  the cabin feel

#7  warm socks

#8  grace

#9  bass pro shop

#10  deer

#11  cold

#12  getting christmas put away

#13  monogrammed sleeping bags for girls

#14  the baby napping

#15  breaking down while reading my tribute to grandpa in front of a crowd

#16  knowing my husband had my back

#17  chase's non-concern about what people would think if he got up and came and hugged me for comfort

#18  aiden's tear drops rolling down her cheeks at her great-grandpa's funeral

#19  answering her desperate question about where grandpa is going as they closed the lid over his body

#20  her offering me her snot covered kleenex and telling me of the "big booger she just got out" through her tears

#21  taps at a graveside

#22  jimmy stewart

#23  grandpa's martin guitar in the hands of my dad

#24  grandpa's hand-written music binders

#25  an antique chifferobe

#26  re-arranged funiture

#27  atticus finch

#28  i'll fly away

#29  sunday fedoras

#30  lanerns

#31  military salutes

#32  brothers

#33  kids sensing when you need space and when you need a hug

#34  good timing

#35  hope

#36  offering and accepting forgiveness

#37  grandpa's tapes of him playing and singing

#38  southern gospel

#39  abandoning facebook

#40  fearing not

#41  family showing of the nativity story

#42  aiden's questions about becomming a Jesus follower

#43  overcoming fear

#44  my oldest son's support when chad couldn't be there

#45  breathing treatments

#46  medicine

#47  hallmark movies

#48  Honey not worrying about catching bronchiolitis from her grandbaby

#49  God's protection of the elderly

#50  gratitude through a storm

50 is a good start, don't you think?  i think my heart feels sorta glad.  i'm not sure.  i just had to stop and try to feel it.  it's kind of a foreign feeling.  i probably shouldn't admit that.

where i've been

as some of you know, and some of you don't...depending on who is still reading this little blog...my dear, sweet grandpa died december 26th at 9:36 pm.  he was surrounded by my dad, my aunt debbie, my mom, my uncle steve, myself, my brother kevin, and my cousins christin and michael as he took his last breath.  we had been with him all day and i am confident that he knew we were there...although he had not opened his eyes or spoken to us since our own, private christmas eve/communion service in his room on christmas eve night.  yes, we knew it was coming.  yes, it was expected.  (those are the first questions people tend to ask.)  however...no one was prepared for those last moments with him.  nor were we prepared for the hole that we feel now.  it is in the shape of grandpa, and certainly no one, but Jesus... the one, true comforter can fill it. i now know that you can "expect" something, but still not be "ready" for it. when you watch death come upon someone, you get a sense of how wrong it is.  it wasn't supposed to be that way.  it wasn't what God originally intended.  it just feels........all wrong.  however, as grandpa drew his last breath, with dad whispering assurance and adoration to him, a tear dropped from his closed left eye.  i have no doubt that he was seeing Jesus, my grandmother, and his other son who were already there...waiting for him.  i guess, eventually, that will offer some comfort.

this last week was spent planning the funeral and it could not have been more special.  chad did the service.  i had the honor of writing his obituary and speaking at the funeral (i will post that later.)  we had a tape of him playing the guitar and singing "back home again" transferred to a cd and played it during the service. his prized guitar was displayed with his hand written music of the song framed next to it, and the service ended with "i'll fly away"...which was one of my most requested songs for him to play and sing for me.  at the graveside, we were met by two military officers who saluted him, played taps, and folded the flag and presented it to my dad on behalf of the president of the united states of america.

i have cried a lot over the last week.

tonight will be one week since grandpa left us...and i'm hoping the sadness will loosen it's grip a bit.

thanks so much to those of you who have offered thoughts and messages of comfort.  i didn't really reply to texts, but it was good to know that you guys were there...especially chad's sweet family.

Be Jolly

this year, i said no to shelling out $200 for the picture taking, designing, purchasing, addressing, and mailing of christmas cards for 150 of our closest friends and family.  however...it doesn't mean that i didn't want to photographically chronicle our family at this time of year, as usual.  so...if i were to send christmas cards...this would be it.  after...what could have been considered a

"minor" tantrum (and i like to refer to it as "asserting myself") at the picture people...we got this candid shot.  dare i say...it was worth it?

Love and Warm Holiday Wishes to you and Yours. 

*

Be Jolly.

~mr. and mrs. c. and the sugar plums

THE HAPPY

this weekend, chad and i got to cash in on our valentine's day present from my parents...which was money to go out and babysitting all 4 of the loves. let's not even discuss how long it has been since we have been able to go out.  friday night...we went to the galleria to shop and then to dinner at the cheesecake factory.  my favorite part was the shopping.  chad's favorite part was the dinner.  i can honestly say that i experienced a happiness that i have not felt in a while that night.  you know...the kind where you can't contain your happy and you start jumping up and down...embarrassing the person you are with and you don't even care who is watching?   well...that is the kind of happy i felt friday night in the middle of the toys r us inside the galleria. 

i was already in a good mood...due to a little stroll through TIFFANY'S.  i got to try on a necklace that i have been salivating over for several years now.  then...a guy held up two very sparkly and very expensive diamond rings in front of my face and asked me which was my favorite.  i tried them both on my finger while chad watched...and i didn't mind at all that it could be considered "inappropriate" to let another man buy me such an extravagant gift right there in front of my husband!  *ha*  even if this very tasteful and drool-worthy bling was intended for someone else's finger...my finger was happy with the treasure for a moment. 

this leads me to the "find".  chase only has one wish for christmas.  he wants indiana jones legos.  only...the problem is, they are totally discontinued.  which means...you can not find them anywhere.  we have looked all over houston and even online.  you can find some sets on e-bay and sites like that, but the prices are so jacked up...it's not even feasible.  so...on friday, i tried to break it to chase that his one wish...the only thing he is asking santa for...will probably not be an option.  this gentle warning was met with big, crocodile tears that made me want to go track down an elf myself and teach them how to make indiana jones legos.  at that...colton piped in with the fact that chase shouldn't worry because santa was sure to be able to find them.  (he's trying to be so crafty to not blow the whole "santa" thing that he lost his head there for a second.)  so, the conversation ended with chase feeling quite sure that colton was right...and that santa could find them.  well...while at the galleria, we checked the lego store, just in case.  nothing.  they said that they are not available anywhere.  and i don't know if you've ever been to the lego store...but those people know their business.  so, we decided to come up with something else for chase and eyed a small toys r us that moved into the mall.  we split up and began strolling the isles looking for something for aj.  about 3/4 the way down the isle, i glanced down to the bottom shelf to my left and i could not believe what i was seeing.  it was a huge box of indiana jones legos.  i started jumping up and down, screaming and scooped it up faster than i could throw whatever else i was holding in my hands down.  there was another smaller box of indiana jones legos behind it and i grabbed it too.  the people at the check out didn't even know where they had come from.  i'm positive they were placed there specifically for chase. 

this kid is getting his legos!

so, i may or may not have "over-reacted".  i'm not really sure.  i think chad was super excited too...when i tracked him down.  he was searching for the screaming, i think...due to having a sneaking suspicion that it could possibly be me.  i ran up to him and showed him the legos and he just kind of stared at them and said, "are you kidding me?"  he was more calm than i was...but i'm sure just as excited.  i mean...he didn't jump up and down or anything.  but...let's face it...i have a flare for the dramatic tendencies.

so...that's the happy.  i think i'll remember that forever. 

we ate lunch at my parent's house the next day.  we had hamburgers and fries with chocolate malts from a burger joint up the road.  (sometimes i just MUST speak as if i live in a cute, quaint, little town instead of the ginormous city that it actually is.)  i had a black bean burger substitute, as usual...and got made fun of by other family members...(who shall remain nameless)...as usual.  but the best part was when chase handed me all the picked off sesame seeds off of his bun.  i thought he just didn't want to eat them...but then he asked if we could plant them.  i said, "sure.  we can plant them."  then he said, "great!  i'm going to plant them and grow hamburgers!!" 

i guess that's the happy too.

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS MY TWO FRONT TEETH...

...THEN I COULD WISH A MERRY CHRISTMAS.

is there anything better than a toothless grin?

maybe a toothless grin at christmastime.

a bonafide intellectual

when you get a letter home in your child's backpack addressed "to the parents of..."

the immediate thought (for me, anyway) is, "uh oh.  what did you do?"

however this letter from the school that was address to "the parents of aiden clarkson" had a nice, little, unexpected surprise inside.  (not that we don't all think our kids are all little geniuses)

"your child has been referred for possible placement in the clear creek independent school district's gifted program."

gifted program???  is this where she will learn how to wrap presents?  or possibly learn the art of gift giving?

wink wink

  sure...i'll fill out your forms and permission slips!!

in my best southern drawl:  hay dar pa...looksy likes we have ourselves a bonafide inti-lectul!!

we are proud of you aiden annee-grace.  and all of the "giftedness" that God has blessed all four of you special, special lovies with in different and unique ways.  may you all feel celebrated for your individual uniqueness.

welcome to my own little world

i'd be fine if my day started around noon.  let's be honest.  i'm worthless before noon.  after getting the kids off to school, i pour myself a cup of coffee, feed aj breakfast, and then settle in on either the couch or the lazy boy in the living room and get out aj's toy bucket to keep her occupied.  i usually catch up on e-mail, watch tv, drink my 2nd cup of coffee, play with aj, read a book or my bible, and often call a friend to chat.  today was no different.  except for a lovely little treat called a nap.  puddie went down for her morning nap at 10, and i shortly followed.  i knew i was tired from our travels...but i didn't know how tired.  i woke up when she did at noon.  i was out cold.  after stumbling up the stairs to get her, we ate some lunch and officially started our day.  

i emptied the hutch in the living room in order to move it to the entry way to make room for our christmas tree.  then proceeded to move the hutch.  now, the minute i started this endeavour, i knew that it was too heavy for me to move alone.  i think aj knew it too, because she was standing at her toy bucket...peering over the couch watching me like a hawk.  every time i would take a break in the pulling and pushing to look at her, she would make this "if you let that hutch fall off the base of that thing and shatter all the glass in the doors you'll be sorry" look.  at the half way point, i thought about quitting, but then thought...i must finish to prove to myself that i am strong and am not one of those "i need a guy to do this for me" sort of girls.  and to prove to aj that i could do it.  i just know she thought i couldn't.

after that accomplishment, i put everything back together; marveled at my perfect christmas tree spot; and cleaned the kitchen.  then, i got dressed, got aj dressed, and went to get the kids from school.  i guess it was a result of tapping into my athletically strong physique of my past that got me into heavy manual labor mode, because when we drove in the driveway, i announced my grand plan to hang all the christmas lights on the house.  this involved getting the ladder down from the garage and carrying it to the front...a task that is always performed by chad.  no worries...i got it.  i did notice what seemed to be rat poop in the garage...which is exactly why i try to stay out of that place.

after setting the ladder up, (a few different ways to insure it was set up correctly in order to avoid a lampoons christmas vacation lighting ladder disaster) i fluffed all the garland, checked all the twinkly lights, and re-tied the bows before climbing the ladder to the second story to hang it above the door and also the top windows.  my eldest son was kind enough to hold the ladder and shout up warnings to not fall.  the others abandoned me at the first mention of garland fluffing.  i really can't understand it.  my favorite activity of the holiday was doing the outdoor lights with my dad.  in fact, when i was away at college, i made him wait until i got home for christmas break to do it.  what happened to the magic of it all.  i'll tell you what happened.  anything that requires a little bit of work is out of the question for kids these days.  don't even get me started...

then, i summoned up my limited electrical knowledge and decided to use some left over lights in the trees.  after attracting chase by showing him my indiana jones style lassoing capabilities and tossing lights up in the trees, locating a power strip, and 2 extension cords later, we were ready for dark.

since chad was not going to be home until late, i took all four kids to cici's pizza for dinner so we could drive home after dark and see our lights.  (ok...and so i didn't have to cook)  usually i would never take all four loves out to eat by myself, but after this day...i felt i could tackle the world.  well...at least a pizza place.

when we pulled up to our house after dinner, i gasped at how beautiful our light display looked and asked the kids, excitedly what they thought.  annslee started crying.  colton muttered, "it looks good."  i think aiden ignored me.  and chase said, "bad."  in my language that i have made up for my own little world in my head, that translates to..."YOU'RE THE BEST CHRISTMAS LIGHT PUTTER UPPER AND MOM EVER!!!!  (and you are beautiful and very muscular too.  and should think about a career in modeling or motion picture acting.)"

IOWA...

...YOU MAKE ME SMILE.  sort of.

you're kinda cold.  but none the less, i tried...quite unsuccessfully to get some really great pictures of the cousins.  all 9 of them.  which makes it a little more acceptable that i didn't get any super shots of them all together.  but...here you go, in spite of the fussy, pappy sucking, quick moving, squirming, shy, cold suffering, hyper, none picture taking liking, too old to be posing with babies, tired, hungry, flailing, bad mood...but oh-so-sweet children

  the girls in a sea of penguins

family

the nifty nine

chad and his lovely grandmother

chad's grandfather's WW2 memorial

the boys on their way to an iowa state football game

colt and sauce...guy bonding time

the graceful ballerina

a puddin cup, the sugar plum, and their sauce

colt lloy and his sue sue

loves to be thankful for during a thanksgiving week in iowa...and always.

nutrackers, twinkly light woodsy garland, and a sunday rescue

this weekend...

i feel somewhat satisfied with what we got accomplished around here.  friday, i spent the day at a little gem of a place called the nutcracker market with my mom and grandmother.  it has been a tradition each year that i have grown to love.  i can't even remember when i started going with them.  (probably after my "whining" kid and selfish teenager phases phased out and my ihavetobuymyownchristmaspresentsforeveryone phase phased in.)  never-the-less...i'm a part of the inner circle now and it can be said that if someone happens to mention that they really like something in my house, i usually respond with, "it came from the nutcracker."

i got all of my christmas shopping done for chad's side of the family.  which is good because in less than a week, we are packing up the ole chevy suburban and headin up to iowa to spend a very festive and cold week with our iowa kinfolk...(and i really just needed to use the word kinfolk)...where we will celebrate christmas with them.  needless to say, i have a lot to do to get ready for that trip, and sweet annslee james is not super great about entertaining herself quietly so that i can pack.  she takes a different approach in life...and it is called "i'm gonna scream as loud as i can until she gives me what i want because she has 4 of us and seems too frazzled and weak to win a stand off at this point."  so, i will have to utilize my time wisely...which is not my best subject.

saturday, we decorated the house for christmas.  and by "we" i mean me and aiden.  i guess chad helped by getting all the bins down from the attic.  annslee took a nice nap and we were able to finish the garland on the staircase and fireplace...which besides the tree, is the hardest part.  it always involves untangling and replacing twinkly lights and fluffing the garland...which i have the kids do and then re do myself to make it extra fluffy.  in the last couple of years, i have added red berries and pine cones...which lead to a successful finger sweep of annlee's mouth after she got a hold of a runaway berry on the floor. 

saturday night, i got to go see my grandpa.  my brother and i were there at the same time...as we are a lot of the time, which is always fun and makes me think of the "olden days" when we did everything together.  sometimes i miss him.  i mean, when you spend your entire childhood in cahoots with someone...it just seems you should still be in cahoots anytime you are with them.  so, i suppose that we could go around stealing bedpans or getting in the elevator and pushing every button or something...but instead we sit by our grandpa and hang on his every word...critiquing them for hidden wisdom and hints of advise that we can take with us.  i guess we are getting old. 

yesterday, we got to wear our fun wintery clothes to church.  i love little girls in winter tights and flannel, pleated skirts and sweaters and boys in hooded sweatshirts and red noses.  aiden even got to wear a cute wintery hat...due to me finding a wad of gum in her hair when i went to fix it for church.  there was no time to mess with it then...so we went with the "a hat makes everything better" philosophy.  mom came over when we got home and we worked the rest of the day on the indian paper bag vests for aiden's class.  it's a room mom responsibility that is not my favorite.  it took all.day.long.  however...anything i do with my mom ends up being fun.  after that, i successfully removed the gum from aiden's hair...which was a relief to aiden because she had been concerned about the use of scissors to get it out.  then i got to go up and visit a little with my grandpa last night.  he was the most confused i think i have ever seen him.  he wanted me to take him on the elevator and thought we were in a house and that people were coming down the stairs.  he would look at me and laugh like we were little kids and were hiding downstairs...like it was a game of hide and seek or something.  i didn't know what to do other than play along.  when it came upon 10 pm, i knew i needed to head home, but when i got up to say goodbye, he begged me not to leave him...which made me have to hide my teary face from him. at that point, i secretly wished for my brother to show up and then we could summon our inner cahootness and break him out in what would go down in history as the great triumph pappy rescue.

i mean...who doesn't want to be rescued?

Grandpa

as i waited tonight, in what would soon be his room...i couldn't help but be anxious to see him again.  he was being moved from one hospital to another.  

i find my thoughts these days turning into daydreams about the next lucid moments that i will get with him. with a family at home, i covet the evening hours when i can go for a visit...and although i'm not traveling to grandpa's house in duncanville, like i remember so vividly as a kid...and the activities and dynamics of the visit have certainly shifted, the excitement of talking to him remains the same.  sometimes, he sleeps most of the time.  sometimes i can't understand what he is trying to say.  but, sometimes...when i get lucky, he shows up.  when he sees me, i always say the same thing..."hi grandpa."  he always responds with, "well...hi."  and we have great conversations.  sometimes he will want me to pray with him.  sometimes he will need a reminder that he still has a purpose here.  sometimes he makes his jokes, and i laugh and watch him laugh.  and sometimes...like last night, we talk about old times...when he was in a band and played the heck out of his guitar and had gigs at different places.  we talked about my favorite songs to listen to him play...folsom prison blues, and i'll fly away.  he would always let me sing along.  and i would always make him re-teach me how to play my favorite guitar parts.  he even sang some of folsom prison for me last night.  he didn't miss a note and he told me that when he would see a guitar on a stand, he couldn't stand just to look at it...he had to play it.  i always tell him i love him, and he always says in his most soft and gentle voice that is almost too weak to be able to hear anymore, "well...i love you too, hon." 

tonight, when he finally got there...he was tired and confused.  i know he needed to sleep, but i was longing for those moments...the ones that i will tuck away and carry with me when he is no longer here.  the ones that will bring comfort when it's time to say goodbye.  i need those moments...when it's him, and me, and a memory.  i want to remind him of how he used to make funny noises in my ear and how it tickled and made me giggle.  i want to tell him that i do it for my kids and they giggle and squirm too, and i always tell them that it is what grandpa did when i was a little girl.  and how they always say, "do it again" just like i did.  i'm already daydreaming of my next conversation with him. 

grandpa......tell me a story.

a whole new meaning...

...to the phrase "ball and chain"

kindergarten crushes (dedicated to kirk williams...wherever you are)

The kids are growing up.  There's no question about that.  But some things...Chad and I are just not ready for.  Like this conversation at dinner last night.

Me:  Why don't you tell Daddy what you told me in the car today after school.

Aiden:  No.

Chad:  It's ok.  You can tell me anything.  What is it?

Aiden:  Oh fine.  I have a boyfriend now.

Chad (color draining from face):  You do?  Who?

Aiden:  Dylan.

Me:  Was it your idea for him to be your boyfriend, or his?

Aiden:  I asked him if he wanted to be my boyfriend and he said no...because he already had another girlfriend.  But then, he said that he broke up with his girlfriend and wanted to date me.

* at this point, colton spewed water out of his mouth laughing and chad and i had to put our heads down...due to a mixture of shock and awe.  after chad and i composed ourselves and quieted the boys, the conversation continued.

Me:  Where did you hear the phrase "he wants to date me?"

Aiden:  I don't know.

Chad:  What do you like about Dylan?

Aiden:  His hair and his eyes.

* both boys lost it again and aiden burst into tears.  chad told them to pull it together or they would be sent from the table.  chase then piped in.

Chase:  One time, a girl in my class asked me if I wanted to go on a date with her.  I said, "okay.  aaaawwwk....wwaaarrrd."

*  at that, chad lost it while i was still trying to console aiden.  i assured her that there was nothing to be embarrassed about and that it was ok.  then we had a long talk about how the good thing about kindergarten was that you can have a bunch of friends that were girls and a bunch of friends that were boys and that you don't start having boyfriends or girlfriends until high school.  i can honestly say that i wasn't ready for that conversation with my sweet pea.  today, i got to talk to her teacher, where i learned that there were some other kids in the class that had some older friends and siblings and that they were talking about such things.  this made me feel a little better.  i just knew it couldn't have been my little baby girl coming up with all these ideas.  i did ask for her to be moved, though.  i wouldn't want chad to have to have words with some kid on the playground inbetween the slide and the monkey bars.  seriously.

however i am reminded of kirk williams...a little boy who professed his love for me in mrs. grimes' kindergarten class in 1980.  he even sang to me every day.   "I can't believe I'm out here on her front porch in this swing...just a swingin..."

maybe the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree afterall.  although...i'm certain he didn't ever say he wanted to "date" me.

I Knew You Before You Were Born

dear annslee james,

the promise of you started long before you were born.  i remember, clearly, writing your name when your brothers were just a toddler and a baby.  we were all at the beach in charleston with friends.  one night, we were playing with the magnadoodle.  randomly, i wrote...

colton

chase

aiden

annslee

that was when the hope of two girls...sisters...was born. 

i quietly began hoping and praying that God would give us daughters for your daddy and i, and sisters for the boys.  after aiden was born, i rejoiced in a dream coming true and half of my hope was made real.  when aiden was 1...4 and a half years before you were born, i came home from target with 4 children's plates.  there was a blue one for colton.  there was a green one for chase.  there was a pink one for aiden.  daddy asked me who the purple one was for...and i replied, "we can't forget about annslee."

these plates were stacked neatly in the cabinet, and every time i used the blue, green, and pink one, i saw your purple one;  a promise of you...quietly waiting for you...just like me.

i knew you were coming.  God whispered your name to me, just like he had that night at the beach.  He knew you before you were born.

In those years before you were born, i hoped, and longed, and dreamed and prayed for you.

and i waited.



and when i thought that i couldn't wait any longer, God formed you and knitted you together perfectly, and he gave you to me.  quietly and carefully, he tucked you in.  i knew.  i knew you were coming.

we all rejoiced and prepared and awaited you.  God made my hope complete.  you made my hope and my dream real.

colton

chase

aiden

annslee

sweet annslee james...

i knew you before you were born.

happy 1st birthday, my doll.

*

Father God, I will never tire of thanking you for giving me my dream.

CHASE IS (gr)EIGHT

joshua "chase" clarkson...

when you were born, i felt your quiet and gentle spirit whisper to my soul.  i said, "he is going to be special.  i can feel his gentleness."  people didn't think i could know you this way when you were only a day old.  but i knew.

when you were 20 minutes old, i noticed one of my very favorite things about your face...your dimples.  i said, "ah!!!  he has dimples!!  i love them!"

you were always quick to smile and show them to me.  they always made me happy.  they still do.  i will always seek "permission to kiss the dimples."

with just a look, i know you.  i know just how you feel, and i feel it too.

you make me smile.

you make me feel important...and welcome...and loved.

and you make me want to play...and learn...and see things in a new and different way.

you make me appreciate life...and love.

you are a boy who is pleasing to God...like you somehow know what He has done for you...in a way that kid's don't usually understand.  you serve with a happy heart.  you put other's before yourself.  you love people, and make them feel special.

*

i can feel your quiet and gentle spirit whisper to my soul.  you are special.  i can feel your gentleness.  people didn't think that i could know you this way when you were only a day old...

but i knew.

HAPPY 8TH BIRTHDAY, MY FROG PRINCE

my date with a servant

chase has a servant's heart. he is always the one who quietly serves without expecting anything in return...surely a rare find in grown men these days, much less little ones. the other day, we were at an adult friend's birthday party. everyone had gone through the food line inside and had found various seating on the large, back porch and had started eating. i had annslee in my arms and a plate of food for her in my hand as i walked out to the packed porch. i have to admit that there were grown men sitting comfortably in chairs, already eating dinner and kids scattered around digging into their hotdogs. as i walked through the door to the porch, i quickly surveyed the seating and knew i would have to find another place to sit and feed annslee. and not allowing one more second to pass, chase...with his servant's heart grabbed his plate, stood up and said, "here mommy...you can sit here." you can imagine the grown men's faces as they saw an example of godliness in this little boy. my heart leaped with pride and gratitude. we made a very big deal of chase and his servant's heart and he got to pick from the treasure box when we got home.

yesterday, when they came in from school, chase was sitting at the table eating his snack. he looked at me and said, "mommy? do you want to lay down on the couch and rest while i rub your back? i replied, "oh chase...that would be wonderful!" he said, "that would fill up your bucket. we all have a bucket and when people do nice things...it fills it up." i'm not sure where he got this...but i pray that there are people in his life, scattered strategically throughout his day who fill his bucket today. i also pray that i can learn from chase's expample and serve with a happy heart.