Friday, February 29, 2008

"it's go what day????"

this morning, i piled the kids in the suburban and began the short little drive to take colton to school. colton began freaking out that he forgot to get his rock out of his pocket and that if he didn't bring his rock that they were doing a project with, he would get his clip moved. getting your clip moved is what happens when you get in trouble. in his whole year of kindergarten and his whole year of first grade so far, he has never had his clip moved. he is terrified of having his clip moved. he will do anything to avoid having his clip moved. now, i ask you, how can a kid be sooooo worried about getting in trouble at school yet not give 2 flips about consequences at home? maybe it's the clip. maybe i should start making him move a clip instead of losing playstation. maybe this clip has some magical power that i am unaware of. who knows and i am off subject. suprising. i'm listening to him fret about his rock and his clip i pull into the school drive. that's when i saw it. a little girl wearing a pink cowgirl hat. and that's when i remembered. today is go texan day. the kids were all dressed up in their western wear to celebrate the start of the rodeo. i LOVE go texan day. i always dressed up from head to toe. it was so fun. and i forgot. i immediately projected my love for go texan day and how i would feel if my mom had forgot (of course she never did...and that stirs a whole other pot of emotions like why i can't seem to be like my mom who would have never forgot to dress me up for go texan day. she had it all together, boy.) i, immediately began brainstorming how i could remedy this little "slip up" so that colton would not be the only one not dressed up. i sheepishly said, "ooooh colton...i's go texan day today." now...i thought that he would flip his lid because i forgot and that he would be the only one not dressed up and that he would be all mad and crazy and stuff. but his reply was, "it's go what day?" oh thank you sweet Jesus. he doesn't really care about go texan day. that's when reality hit. even if i had remembered that it was go texan day (i mean it is written neatly on my calendar that seems to be pointless about now) he didn't have anything western that fit him anyays. i would have had to buy him something. and i would have too. because i love it. it's important to me. but, that would have been a total waste of money, because it's not important to him. he didn't care. now, if it had been "go dress like your favorite athelete or superhero day" we would have been in big trouble. but i realized how much i place my favorite things and opinions on my kids. and how i have before, and would have this morning forced him to put on the boots and the hat and he would have been grumbling that he didn't want to and it would have been a struggle and a battle that would have been pointless. if go texan day was required for a grade or an issue of respect or instructed in the Bible by Jesus himself, then that would be different. but it's a choice. and colton's choice. not mine. all this seems really silly...being that i totally forgot about it and it wasn't an issue...but it just got me thinking. and that's always dangerous.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

anger uncontrolled.

the past 2 days have been frustrating. for no big reasons that would make anyone mad or frustrated, but for little things that just seem to get under my skin. it has made me wonder if most days are like this for most people and it is just our present state-of-mind that determines how we deal with it...or if sometimes i really do go skipping through my day, swinging my purse, while whistling a happy tune because everything is going swimmingly. i hate frustration. i hate more that moment when your frustration turns to full on anger. when that happens to me, things have a tendancy to go down hill fast. everything then begins to make me angry and i become irrational in thought and usually take my anger out on someone who doesn't deserve it. (not that anyone ever really does.)

yesterday, i went to the mall with my mom, chase and aiden. it is warm enough here to wear flipflops but too early for aiden to wear sandals. last year, i got her a pair of pink crocs...not the real ones, obviously...but a pair for her to wear with jeans, shorts, and sundresses when there was no real need to go through the whole shoes and socks routine. i did this, under protest, because i thought...and still think...that those shoes are the ugliest footwear i have ever layed my eyes on. however, on aiden, i thought they were ok. not the greatest. still love plain, white sandals the best on little girls, but they look kind of funny with jeans, which she is still wearing. so...when i saw the children's imitation crocs on sale, i decided to get her another pair. i took off her shoes and tried some on her. i determined that she needed the pink please. so, even though the man tried to get me to buy a 9 (and now i know why), i said i wanted the 8. he rang them up, tried to talk me into some of those little charmy things that go in the holes of the shoes...unsuccessfully, and i was on my way. she got them out and put them on and wore them outside, enough to get the bottoms all dirty. when i noticed them on her feet, i thought they looked a little smaller than what the pair that i tried on her did. after she took them off, i looked at the bottoms to check the size and they were 7s. and not only 7s...but two different size 7s. one is clearly smaller than the other and too small for her feet. instant frustration.

i went on a search today to get a new Bible. my old one is about to fall apart and i don't want it to because my parents gave it to me and i love it. so, i went to every bookstore known to man in search of a plain, brown leather Bible. not black. not burgandy. not hunter green. not pink. not a study Bible. not a read in a year one. not a paraphrased one. not one for women, or the Bible for people of the military, or firemen, or golfers. (they really had the Bible for golfers) i don't want two toned or beaded or embelished with celtic crosses or anything else. i want a plain, brown, leather Bible. do you know that they don't sell those? is brown not a very common leather color? you can get brown leather anything. even brown leather Bible covers. but don't even think about trying to find a plain, brown leather Bible. it's not gonna happen. frustration mounting. even while searching for God's word...which is what i needed to be bathing in at this point.

then, i went to hang the pictures that i got framed from new york for our theater room. they had been sitting in the corner for me to do and i finally got around to doing it. when i went to nail them to the wall, i realized that there were no picture hangers on the back of the frames. i hate that. so...i rumaged through my took box and found some make-shift hangers that would work and nailed my finger and stripped my screw driver trying to get those miniscule screws into the frame that hold the hanger in place. frustration thinking about turning to anger.

then, i looked in the mirror and hated my hair. i instantly got mad that i have not taken the time to get my hair cut in months and that it is so straggly at the bottom that it appeared frizzy today. i hate frizzy. then i noticed the mascara that gets under my eyes about half-way through the day due to buying cheap mascara. now, this happens every day and i just wipe it away until i can buy new mascara...but today...that cheap mascara was the point. the boiling point.

cue the irrational thought that it is better to have no make-up on and have my hair in a bun on top of my head than to look at myself for one more second like that. now cue the irrational behavior of frantically washing my face and throwing my pony tail holder when it won't hold my hair the way i want it to. people at church tonight may wonder why i look like i rolled in right out of bed. i don't care. there is satisfaction in taking control of the mascara and hair problem. sort of.

then, i went to find colton a plain white t-shirt to put on after his shower. i opened the dryer, filled with whites, and began digging around. now. i promise you, that if i was not looking for a plain white t-shirt, everything i pulled out of there would be a plain white t-shirt. but since i was looking for just 1 of the 10 plain shite t-shirts in there...all i kept pulling out were socks and chad's underwear. so...naturally...i got mad at chad and his white underwear that was taking up all the dryer space and causing me to not get my t-shirt that i need. cue the angry behavior of throwing clean whites everywhere until i find one.

that was the moment that chad walked in and asked what i was doing. now cue me flying off the handle because my jeans feel tight. what am i really mad at?

Sunday, February 17, 2008

The Nine

so, over the course of the last several months i have been making a few changes that will lead to a healthier lifestyle. we have always been a healthy family, but i generally felt like i was always running on empty. i know that personalities are different, but i would look at my friends are are extremely "high energy" and long to be more like them. i longed to have the energy to run around in the backyard playing football or watergun fight or tag. i longed to have the energy to tackle the cleaning of the house all in one day to have that "job completed" satisfaction. i longed to want to go for walks to the park or even the desire to go on outings with the kids. the fact was that i had...somewhere along the line...adopted a introverted/home body personality. at least i thought that was the situatioin. it finally dawned on me that that wasn't it at all. i still wanted to be the energetic/fun loving me that i had always been before and that there was something preventing it. i don't know how it took me so long to realize that i was......TIRED.

THAT'S IT!!!! i'm tired. i have no energy. i never really feel good. for someone who had perfect attendance in high school and could have had the same in college if i had wanted to... :) ...i was sure complaining of not feeling good a lot. i realized i always had a dull headache, or a queesy stomach, or felt like i could not go on any longer without a catnap. i started to think there was something seriously wrong with me. so...after doing a little research (and by little...i mean very little) i decided to make these changes:

1. my bed time was moving up from 11:30 or sometimes midnight to 9:00 sharp.
(i had to move it up in 30 minute intervals to get used to only took 3 nights and i immediately noticed a huge difference) kids would go to bed at 7 sharp.

2. i would not drink any alcohol anymore. we don't drink a lot, but would have a beer or hard cider after we would put the kids down sometimes. i found that i would instantly relax and loved winding down the day with chad over a drink and tv. however...i didn't think it was really helping me to live my best life. now, i only have a glass of red wine every now and then because i truly believe in the combination of the reservatrol and alcohol in protecting against heart disease and dementia (which ended up taking my grandmother's life.) they say to have a small glass a day, but i just don't like it that much.

3. i also started eating a spinach salad for lunch about 3-4 times a week. i would get organic spinach, celery, avacados, raw almonds, tomatos, and the dressing of my choice and make a salad when i made the kid's lunch. they would have 5 servings of fruits and veggies a day.

4. i would drink more water.

5. i would cut our sugar. i would cut the kids sugar.

6. we already switched to mostly i stuck with that. took chase off dairy for his eczema.

7. i need to excercise. i know this. so i still need to put this one in place.

8. i take my juice plus, air born, vitamin b complex, and fish oil daily. kids take juice plus daily.

9. i started a precepts bible study with my mom and that was making a big difference spiritually. started reading the Jesus storybook bible with the kids daily.

so those are the nine. here is how it has gone:

1. november-the entire family had a terrible respiratory virus (not chad) that lasted 6 weeks. literally. it was a bad chesty cough and congestion. 6 weeks i tell you.

2. mid december-a stomach virus hit all 3 kids.

3. a week and a half before christmas-aiden got a double ear infection as a result of the respiratory virus. the doctor said to watch out for pneumonia.

4. a week before christmas and the day of colton's class christmas party that i was in charge of and chad's family arrived from iowa-chase rushed to the er. pneumonia.

5. end of january-para-influenza (whatever that is) hit colton and aiden and then i got it a few days later as chad left for cuba. fever and severe body aches. it was lovely. chase never caught it.

6. feburary-colton has wet chesty cough again.

7. a week ago-i begin to feel a sore throat. only on the left side. tell myself it is not really there and only a figment of my imagination. possibly sympathy pains for colton and his cough.

8. a few days after that-the gland in the left side of my neck swells and gets extremely tender to the touch. can see it from the outside. still ignoring it. feeling like death warmed over at this point.

9. 3.5 nighs ago-aiden throws up in her bed.

10. friday-i wake up and realize that something is definitly wrong. go to the doctor and they look in my throat. say there are puss pockets (nice) all over that tonsil and want to test for mono. great. fantastic. ends up being strep and put me on steroids and a z pack.

11. last night-aiden says her neck hurts while pointing at her throat.

i'm thinking that my idea is not quite going according to plan. what about you?

Wednesday, February 13, 2008


houston...we have a problem.

it seems that i have decided, unconscienciously of course...where most of my big decisions are made, to start losing things. i used to be so super organized. everything had its place. i never had to wonder where something was or fumble around looking for it. even chad's stuff was under control. he would sometimes wake me up in the morning to ask me if i knew where his wallet was. or his keys. or is sunglasses. or the checkbook. just the other day, he called me to ask if i knew where his palm pilot was. you get the drift. i always knew where the kids stuff was too. they would come yelling, "mooooommmmm. where is the batman costume? where are my socks? where is the leapster? where's the incredibles dvd? where did i put my shoes?" and i ALWAYS new the answer. you get the drift again. seems that this organized part of my brain that we speak of has left the premises. i have lost my brand new fossil watch. i have lost my one of my favorite t-shirts. i have lost my phone charger. i have lost aiden's little pearl ring that she got for christmas. i have lost her pearl bracelet from granna. i have lost her silver bracelet with her name engraved on it that she got from chad and i for christmas. (technically...she lost the pearl bracelet. but i am responsible for the other 2 things being misplaced.) i have lost my sunglasses. i have lost my real glasses. i have lost my wooden spoons from the kitchen. and now...i have lost my keys. i ask again. what is wrong with me?

Sunday, February 03, 2008 least she obeys

the other day, aiden said that she had to go potty. she still really hasn't decided if she wants to go in her big girl potty or continue to use the old faithful diaper. sometimes she thinks she's ready and then at other times, she is positive she's not. well, this particular day...she thought she was ready. she announced...rather determined...that she had to go potty. this may be a good time to say that i think she is more attracted to the lolly pop that she knows she will get if she actually "goes" in the potty than she is the thought of being "dry" and more comfortable in big girl underwear. i don't think she really gives two flips if she is wearing and uncomfortable diaper or her new, cool, super fantastic big girl tinkerbell underwear. when she tells me she wants to sit on her potty, i say, "ok. fabulous!!" she has this little habit of sitting on it for a second, and then getting up and running around the house until i tell her to come sit back down. i sat her on the potty and sat with her for a bit. i told her that i was gonna go check on chase and that she was to stay on her potty. she was not to get up and run around the house. and that she better still be sitting on that potty when i got back. this is where i found her. good grief. at least she obeyed. i think she's going to be the "survivor" of the family. at 2 years old, she's already outwitting, outplaying, and outlasting me.

Friday, February 01, 2008

who invented the word "should" anyway?

i have a somewhat new "beef". and i'm not talking about the kind that comes from cows that i haven't eaten in 16 years. well...except when i was pregnant with colton and had an unfortunate craving for a hotdog. and we are not going to talk about that. i'm still ashamed. anyways...this morning, when i was driving home from taking colton to school, i was thinking about all the things i should do today. it's friday, and chad has fridays off. so, i should probably take advantage of that and do a bunch of housework that doesn't usually get done if i have the kids right up under me all day. i should try to organize the closets or something. i should pack away clothes that the kids have outgrown. i should mop the floors while chad keeps them in the playroom upstairs so that they don't slip and fall on the wet floors. i should go to the school and volunteer in colton's class. i should clean out the car. i should call my friend, whom i haven't talked to in a while and check on her. i should start reading that book...a self-help, non-fiction one (ugh.) that has been on my desk for the last week...instead of having my nose in p.s. i love you every free moment i get. speaking of my desk...i should really clean that off. i should be cooking better meals for dinner. why do i even watch those stupid cooking shows if i'm always going to be too scared to actually try out those recipes. i should not be tired today. i've been going to bed at 9:00. i should be more like the mom down the street and bundle up the kids and take them for a walk to the park. i should be more like the lady next door and get out in the yard and tend to the flowerbeds. i should not get out of sorts when the kids ask me to change the batteries in a toy for the 184th time. i should not be tired of helping them dress in the 18th superhero costume of the day. i should clean out the pantry and find a place for the recycle bin so that we can do a better job recycling. i should be better at sitting down on the floor and playing with the know...those make believe games that they play that i really don't know how to play...mainly because i am too obbsessed with all the toys laying on the ground instead of being in their spots. i am ashamed to admit how many times i have sat down in the playroom to play with the kids and end up, sneakily picking up toys. i keep pretending to play, but they know the truth. i really just want to clean. i should really be better at that. i should not be letting chase play on the computer as much. i should not be letting colton play playstation as much. i should not be letting aiden watch videos as much. i should be better about having behavior charts for the kids and making them "stick to it". i should have a chore list for each of the kids and spend part of my day teaching them about responsibility. i should be reading my bible more. i should be journaling my prayers...because that way...i won't get so distracted in my thoughts. i should really be better with electronics and figure out how to do all that "stuff" instead of relying on other people to do it for me. i should be able to go to target, and only get groceries instead of the kid's clothing department becoming the bermuda triangle where i have a tendency to get lost in for the whole time i'm supposed to be getting food. this would put an end to chad calling me and asking, "you haven't even started grocery shopping yet???? how can that be????" i should really be more like my friends who have their days scheduled in 30 minute blocks and their kids are never hungry, never bored, always knowing exactly what comes next and what they are supposed to be doing. i should be more like my friend who, without fail, takes her kids to visit her grandmother in the nursing home every week. i can't remember the last time i took the kids to visit my grandad. i should be more like my friend and know more about all the political stuff going on right now. i should know what each of the candidates say they stand for and know who i am behind. i should be able to type this blog with my 2 year old daughter standing behind me in the chair, pulling on my hair and playing with my necklace...half-way strangling me in the process...and not yell at her to "stop it!" i should be over any insecurities from my past by now. i should be a better manager of my time, a better mom, a better wife, a better friend, a better sister, daughter, niece, and grandaughter. i should be a better christian. a better person. i'm currently reading the Jesus storybook bible to the kids every night...(and don't for 1 second be fooled and think that i have it all together and , WOW, don't i do a great job teaching my kids about Jeses. um. no.)...anyways... in this particular book, every story whispers His name. i'm wondering if all of these thoughts i am having are really being whispered by God, or if i the immortal words of carrie bradshaw..."shoulding" all over myself.

and yes. i love to watch old re-runs of sex and the city. there. i said it.