last night, i went to sleep dreaming about soccer. i'm finding that i'm doing that a lot lately...especially on the nights of a game.
for example...last night...as i was attempting to fall asleep, i kept going over and over last night's game in my head...visualizing the play by plays. i relived my south back-paw goal and saw my dad's arms go in the air in celebratory fist pumps time and time again. i wondered what my form looked like (if you can call it that) or if i just looked like the gangly flailer that i picture from jr. high. and i kept going over what i will do next time to be a better ball handler. i thought about the girl who played great D and got it away from me TWICE...and what i would do differently to keep it from happening next time.
mostly...i felt satisfied.
the last time that UK (my brother) had a fight...i took notice of how many people were there cheering him on. friends and family came from all over to watch him and yell for him and stand and cheer him on. we watched him win. we celebrated him and his being good at something.
i joked that, just once...i wanted someone to stand and cheer for me. i joked that, as a mom...we don't usually get that very often. it's not like people are sitting in the bleachers cheering and yelling,
"way to go, mindy!!!!! you did it!!! you changed that diaper in record time!!!! way to vacuum those floors...and the way you did that laundry....whooooooooo!!!!"
truth be told...i was jealous. i was watching UK grab a-hold of life and live his dreams. i'm not saying that my biggest dream in life was not to have a family...because it was. and i marvel at them and thank God for them and feel like i don't even deserve the way that he has blessed me with 2 boys and 2 girls..........just what i always wanted!! BUT...somewhere along the way...i gave up any part of me that wasn't a wife and mom. and i was starting to miss that girl.
i realized that i still had dreams.
i joked about them all the time. like........
"when i get discovered........."
"when i go to the olympics............."
"when i play in the world cup.........."
"when i become a rodeo barrel racer........."
but i never did anything about them. i just watched everyone else live their dreams (come olympics season or rodeo season or soccer season or anytime i watched a movie that i thought i would have loved to be in) and sat back sort-of.....................dissatisfied. like, "why did i always quit before i could fail and never really go after something???? what was i so scared of????"
several months ago...i prayed that God would help me to live extraordinarily. i prayed that He would help me live out some of my old dreams in a satisfying way. and i told him that it was hard to never be cheered on by anyone. i told him that sometimes...i just needed a "thata girl."
and do you know what that man did?
He had a friend, randomly invite me to pilate's...where i started building my body's strength and endurance back. and i had no idea that He had anything else in mind.
and then...He had another friend's daughter end up on aiden's soccer team...and that friend "happened" to play competitive, indoor soccer. and she "happened" to ask me if i wanted to join their team that just happened to need a player.
and then He "just happened" to put me in a position to meet a barrel racing coach who "just happened" to have a mother that didn't start competing as a barrel racer until her daughter was in HIGH SCHOOL!!!! and she "just happened" to be willing to train me to barrel race....which, she coincidentally said will be a lot easier and faster because my core strength is good. (thanks to pilate's!!!!) see how all that played out????
so...last night, when my foot hit the black and white ball...and i watched it sore...in slow motion...into the net...
i put my fists in the air and put my head down to hide the widest smile in the world and listened to my team, and my coach, and my parents, and my oldest son saying,
"way to go, mindy!!!!"
and when i glanced up and saw my dad's hands in the air and my son jumping up and down and my mom clapping...i felt satisfied.
oh........we got killed. we totally lost the game. and i totally know that it's not all about me and that i can't expect to always be celerated.
but i am living my life's dreams...and going for it....and not being afraid of failing.
and most importantly.....my kids are learing, through real life example, to dream BIG.
well...that's certainly worth celebrating.
and as i drifted off to sleep....
i heard God smile and whisper, "thata girl."