Saturday, June 01, 2013

on recovery

i've decided that one does and thinks strange things while recovering.  it's been 12 days since i officially miscarried our baby, and 24 days since i found out that something might be wrong.  in that time...i've done a lot of "feeling."  and it's really amazing how quickly emotions can change.

i spent a good 4 days in bed.  not because i wanted to.  i didn't have a choice.  people don't know how hard a miscarriage can be on a mother's body.  not to mention her heart.  and the two pains together??  well...they are nearly unbearable. for 2 of those days...annslee wouldn't leave my side.  she would saddle up next to me in bed and watch sprout or play my phone as i fitfully slept.  one of the games she would play on my phone had a child's voice calling for it's mama.  i would hear it in my sleep and dream it was my baby calling for me to come.  i would try to find the voice...but i never could.  and sometimes i would cry with the voice.  i would call back.  i would cry out that i was sorry i couldn't find it...i was trying...i wanted to reach it and hold it and rock it...but i couldn't.  when i would finally wake...i would ask annslee to play a different game.  and she would.  but she never knew why.

so...last friday morning...(which was 5 days post miscarriage)...i tried to stand up after chad got the kids off to school.  i had tried the morning before and realized that i couldn't stand up straight without it hurting pretty i collapsed right back in bed.  and on that friday morning...i could stand up.  i walked into the kitchen and made a cup of coffee.  this was a huge success for me.  it's weird how the simplest task feels like a monumental occasion after going through something like this.  and i didn't even cry at the realization that i could now drink caffeinated coffee because i was no longer pregnant.  it's also weird how quickly you get used to protecting that baby.  no coffee.  no alcohol.  no hot, hot baths.  no emptying the kitty litter.  no eating weird, soft cheeses.  and all of a sudden...i didn't have to worry about that stuff anymore.  however...i still caught myself questioning it. the water too hot????  oh yeah.  it doesn't matter anymore.

on that friday morning, while my coffee was slowly dripping into my mug, i looked around the kitchen.  it seemed like a foreign place to me.  i had been in bed for 4 days.  i only saw my bedroom and my bathroom.  my mother and chad had taken charge of the kitchen.  and it wasn't used to me being in it. i stood there a while...sort of introducing myself again.  and that room sensed that i was somehow different.  i would never be the same.  but it welcomed me anyway.  and it said that who i was now was ok.

the first thing i did was rip the "may" page of the calendar off and throw it away...revealing the blank month of june.  i was done with may.  i needed may to be over.  i needed to look ahead.  i didn't need to look back at may anymore...or see where i had excitedly written that first appointment down...expecting to see my baby's heartbeat.  i didn't need to look back at those days when i was still pregnant and happy.  i needed to see the future.  i needed to see june.

and then i just started rearranging the entire kitchen.  the coffee pot was all wrong where it was and needed a new home on the opposite counter.  i worked for 2 hours.  i cleaned every service of that kitchen.  and when i was looked like a new room.  it was ready for summer.  and so was i.

after that...i decided that i needed a new purse.  like...right then.  so...obviously i decided to go shopping.  i went by myself.  colton watched annslee for me...and i looked at every purse in the bay area like my life depended on it.  i bought 2.  plus a wallet.

i've read my bible more.  because that's what i do when i'm struggling.  i try to find answers.

i haven't found any answers.  but i have been comforted.

last saturday morning, i woke up around 9:30.  that's been another thing.  people tend to just let me sleep.  and i've slept a lot.  i didn't hear i wandered into the front room where i could see the driveway from the front window.  that's when i noticed that chad and the kids had decided to tack on to another garage sale on our street and had trudged a bunch of stuff out of our house and garage to the end of the driveway with a "for sale" sign in the yard.  i stood there for a minute and then saw some random lady holding up a piece of my old lingerie in front of her body.  i guess i was too numb to even care...because i just stood there...sipping my coffee...watching articles of my undergarments being sold for a dollar.  whatever.

sometimes people say all the right things.  and sometimes they don't...and i get mad.  i don't get mad at them...i just get mad in general.  the anger doesn't last long.  but one thing i've learned about myself is that the worst thing for me is when people pretend it didn't happen.  like...they just don't say anything and they don't acknowledge what i am going through.  like, "we're just gonna pretend this whole thing didn't happen."  yeah...i've learned that's not helpful.  i know people are different and for some...that would be the best thing.  but not for me.  so...i know that there are some times...that i will have to be uncomfortable so that someone else (the person who likes to sweep things under the rug) will be comfortable.  and it's ok for me to distance myself from that if i need to.  it won't feel that way forever.


chase made the battle of the alamo out of blocks and army men.  this kid really amazes me with this sort of stuff.

i've tried to get outside more.  the sun going down and the cool breeze in the evening is like a friend's invitation for coffee.  and after sitting for a spell...i even felt like grabbing my camera.

i'm working on teaching myself how to photograph in manual.  it's harder than it seems it should be...but the colors are amazingly better than in automatic.

i see the most difference in their eyes.

i started a book.  and that has been useful in softening some of those sneaky emotions.
i've always been able to be absorbed into characters...forgetting a bit of myself...becoming the safest way.

on this particular evening...the sun lit the clouds like magic and turned them into the prettiest orange.  aiden pointed out this cloud and whispered, "it looks like heaven."

i instantly pictured my grandparents...both of my uncles that died a few days after their birth...chad's grandparents...and best of all...Jesus...holding and loving my baby.  i pictured them happy and laughing.  i pictured a beating heart and a sweet smile. does and thinks strange things while recovering, indeed.

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