Tuesday, April 13, 2010

sleep and trains

yesterday, puddie took an hour and a half morning nap. today, she took a 2o minute morning nap instead.

consistency is over-rated is what she said.

when i heard her crying...ready to get up, i looked at aiden. aiden looked at me and said, "she didn't EVEN take a nap!" to which i replied, "I KNOW!"

here is a little morsel of randomness this morning. i've been reading a smackeral of different things lately. a little about lukewarmness (which is just super at making you feel good about yourself) and a little about knowing your children's hearts (which also makes a mom feel like a winner) and a little about how "God does not deal with us according to our sins, nor does he repay us according to his iniquities." psalms 103 10-12 (which IS a "let out a grateful sigh" kind of verse.) due to all of these little nugget whisperings from God, i have scheduled a meeting with the husband. (literally. he put me in his iphone calendar this morning.) it's go time.

in talking things over with my experienced, truth telling, and loving mother at lunch yesterday, i came up with a little analogy of what is causing the restlessness inside. it is this:

you know how freight trains roll? you hear them slowly get started. then you hear the whistle warning people that it is getting ready to move. then you see the wheels start to turn and it slowly begins down the track. then, after a bit it starts moving a little quicker. (hear the sound of it slowly picking up speed?) then, it starts moving faster and faster...until it is going so fast that it is much too late to get on or off. well...my little, lovely family of 6 is on that train, and the train has been moving down the track pretty slowly up until about a year ago when it started picking up speed. now we are moving a little quicker and everything in me is screaming over the noise of the train that this is the time that we have to decide to stay on or get off...or it will be too late. the train will be moving too fast to get off without doing some real damage. i see how life can just sort of take over. school, activities, practices, games, meals, chores, babies, work, responsibilities, etc, etc, etc take up the day. and this goes on day, after day, after day. until annslee leaves for college and chad and i look at each other and wonder, "what on earth happened? where did that time go? and why didn't we stop and do it differently?" are we supposed to stay on the "live safely in the suburbs in a big house with big screen tvs and all the comforts that our little heart's desire, cross our fingers, and hope our kids make it through the public school system without some serious scars" train? OR, are we supposed to get off now, before it's too late? the trouble is, if we all grab hands and jump off, i don't know where we would land at this point. the ground doesn't seem to be there. i'm asking God to show me if he wants us to stay on this train, or not. and if not.....what are we supposed to jump to? i keep thinking that he usually asks his followers to live boldly, and radically. am i doing that? are we training our kids to do that? what does this feeling of discontentment mean? is it time to get off the train? i know we are supposed to do something differently, but i have no idea what. what i do know...is that the train is moving. and it's going to do nothing but move faster.


meredith said...

i love this analogy. praying for peace & clarity (& sleep!) for you guys during this time of seeking out the Lord's heart for your lives. although it is filled with questions & anxiety, what an amazing & exciting place to be!

Anonymous said...

Read, how do you have time to read!? Interesting stuff...we must talk soon!

Shannon said...

This really resonated with me...and we are on the same train. We will be praying for you.