Be Jolly

this year, i said no to shelling out $200 for the picture taking, designing, purchasing, addressing, and mailing of christmas cards for 150 of our closest friends and family.  however...it doesn't mean that i didn't want to photographically chronicle our family at this time of year, as usual.  so...if i were to send christmas cards...this would be it.  after...what could have been considered a

"minor" tantrum (and i like to refer to it as "asserting myself") at the picture people...we got this candid shot.  dare i say...it was worth it?

Love and Warm Holiday Wishes to you and Yours. 

*

Be Jolly.

~mr. and mrs. c. and the sugar plums

THE HAPPY

this weekend, chad and i got to cash in on our valentine's day present from my parents...which was money to go out and babysitting all 4 of the loves. let's not even discuss how long it has been since we have been able to go out.  friday night...we went to the galleria to shop and then to dinner at the cheesecake factory.  my favorite part was the shopping.  chad's favorite part was the dinner.  i can honestly say that i experienced a happiness that i have not felt in a while that night.  you know...the kind where you can't contain your happy and you start jumping up and down...embarrassing the person you are with and you don't even care who is watching?   well...that is the kind of happy i felt friday night in the middle of the toys r us inside the galleria. 

i was already in a good mood...due to a little stroll through TIFFANY'S.  i got to try on a necklace that i have been salivating over for several years now.  then...a guy held up two very sparkly and very expensive diamond rings in front of my face and asked me which was my favorite.  i tried them both on my finger while chad watched...and i didn't mind at all that it could be considered "inappropriate" to let another man buy me such an extravagant gift right there in front of my husband!  *ha*  even if this very tasteful and drool-worthy bling was intended for someone else's finger...my finger was happy with the treasure for a moment. 

this leads me to the "find".  chase only has one wish for christmas.  he wants indiana jones legos.  only...the problem is, they are totally discontinued.  which means...you can not find them anywhere.  we have looked all over houston and even online.  you can find some sets on e-bay and sites like that, but the prices are so jacked up...it's not even feasible.  so...on friday, i tried to break it to chase that his one wish...the only thing he is asking santa for...will probably not be an option.  this gentle warning was met with big, crocodile tears that made me want to go track down an elf myself and teach them how to make indiana jones legos.  at that...colton piped in with the fact that chase shouldn't worry because santa was sure to be able to find them.  (he's trying to be so crafty to not blow the whole "santa" thing that he lost his head there for a second.)  so, the conversation ended with chase feeling quite sure that colton was right...and that santa could find them.  well...while at the galleria, we checked the lego store, just in case.  nothing.  they said that they are not available anywhere.  and i don't know if you've ever been to the lego store...but those people know their business.  so, we decided to come up with something else for chase and eyed a small toys r us that moved into the mall.  we split up and began strolling the isles looking for something for aj.  about 3/4 the way down the isle, i glanced down to the bottom shelf to my left and i could not believe what i was seeing.  it was a huge box of indiana jones legos.  i started jumping up and down, screaming and scooped it up faster than i could throw whatever else i was holding in my hands down.  there was another smaller box of indiana jones legos behind it and i grabbed it too.  the people at the check out didn't even know where they had come from.  i'm positive they were placed there specifically for chase. 

this kid is getting his legos!

so, i may or may not have "over-reacted".  i'm not really sure.  i think chad was super excited too...when i tracked him down.  he was searching for the screaming, i think...due to having a sneaking suspicion that it could possibly be me.  i ran up to him and showed him the legos and he just kind of stared at them and said, "are you kidding me?"  he was more calm than i was...but i'm sure just as excited.  i mean...he didn't jump up and down or anything.  but...let's face it...i have a flare for the dramatic tendencies.

so...that's the happy.  i think i'll remember that forever. 

we ate lunch at my parent's house the next day.  we had hamburgers and fries with chocolate malts from a burger joint up the road.  (sometimes i just MUST speak as if i live in a cute, quaint, little town instead of the ginormous city that it actually is.)  i had a black bean burger substitute, as usual...and got made fun of by other family members...(who shall remain nameless)...as usual.  but the best part was when chase handed me all the picked off sesame seeds off of his bun.  i thought he just didn't want to eat them...but then he asked if we could plant them.  i said, "sure.  we can plant them."  then he said, "great!  i'm going to plant them and grow hamburgers!!" 

i guess that's the happy too.

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS MY TWO FRONT TEETH...

...THEN I COULD WISH A MERRY CHRISTMAS.

is there anything better than a toothless grin?

maybe a toothless grin at christmastime.

a bonafide intellectual

when you get a letter home in your child's backpack addressed "to the parents of..."

the immediate thought (for me, anyway) is, "uh oh.  what did you do?"

however this letter from the school that was address to "the parents of aiden clarkson" had a nice, little, unexpected surprise inside.  (not that we don't all think our kids are all little geniuses)

"your child has been referred for possible placement in the clear creek independent school district's gifted program."

gifted program???  is this where she will learn how to wrap presents?  or possibly learn the art of gift giving?

wink wink

  sure...i'll fill out your forms and permission slips!!

in my best southern drawl:  hay dar pa...looksy likes we have ourselves a bonafide inti-lectul!!

we are proud of you aiden annee-grace.  and all of the "giftedness" that God has blessed all four of you special, special lovies with in different and unique ways.  may you all feel celebrated for your individual uniqueness.

welcome to my own little world

i'd be fine if my day started around noon.  let's be honest.  i'm worthless before noon.  after getting the kids off to school, i pour myself a cup of coffee, feed aj breakfast, and then settle in on either the couch or the lazy boy in the living room and get out aj's toy bucket to keep her occupied.  i usually catch up on e-mail, watch tv, drink my 2nd cup of coffee, play with aj, read a book or my bible, and often call a friend to chat.  today was no different.  except for a lovely little treat called a nap.  puddie went down for her morning nap at 10, and i shortly followed.  i knew i was tired from our travels...but i didn't know how tired.  i woke up when she did at noon.  i was out cold.  after stumbling up the stairs to get her, we ate some lunch and officially started our day.  

i emptied the hutch in the living room in order to move it to the entry way to make room for our christmas tree.  then proceeded to move the hutch.  now, the minute i started this endeavour, i knew that it was too heavy for me to move alone.  i think aj knew it too, because she was standing at her toy bucket...peering over the couch watching me like a hawk.  every time i would take a break in the pulling and pushing to look at her, she would make this "if you let that hutch fall off the base of that thing and shatter all the glass in the doors you'll be sorry" look.  at the half way point, i thought about quitting, but then thought...i must finish to prove to myself that i am strong and am not one of those "i need a guy to do this for me" sort of girls.  and to prove to aj that i could do it.  i just know she thought i couldn't.

after that accomplishment, i put everything back together; marveled at my perfect christmas tree spot; and cleaned the kitchen.  then, i got dressed, got aj dressed, and went to get the kids from school.  i guess it was a result of tapping into my athletically strong physique of my past that got me into heavy manual labor mode, because when we drove in the driveway, i announced my grand plan to hang all the christmas lights on the house.  this involved getting the ladder down from the garage and carrying it to the front...a task that is always performed by chad.  no worries...i got it.  i did notice what seemed to be rat poop in the garage...which is exactly why i try to stay out of that place.

after setting the ladder up, (a few different ways to insure it was set up correctly in order to avoid a lampoons christmas vacation lighting ladder disaster) i fluffed all the garland, checked all the twinkly lights, and re-tied the bows before climbing the ladder to the second story to hang it above the door and also the top windows.  my eldest son was kind enough to hold the ladder and shout up warnings to not fall.  the others abandoned me at the first mention of garland fluffing.  i really can't understand it.  my favorite activity of the holiday was doing the outdoor lights with my dad.  in fact, when i was away at college, i made him wait until i got home for christmas break to do it.  what happened to the magic of it all.  i'll tell you what happened.  anything that requires a little bit of work is out of the question for kids these days.  don't even get me started...

then, i summoned up my limited electrical knowledge and decided to use some left over lights in the trees.  after attracting chase by showing him my indiana jones style lassoing capabilities and tossing lights up in the trees, locating a power strip, and 2 extension cords later, we were ready for dark.

since chad was not going to be home until late, i took all four kids to cici's pizza for dinner so we could drive home after dark and see our lights.  (ok...and so i didn't have to cook)  usually i would never take all four loves out to eat by myself, but after this day...i felt i could tackle the world.  well...at least a pizza place.

when we pulled up to our house after dinner, i gasped at how beautiful our light display looked and asked the kids, excitedly what they thought.  annslee started crying.  colton muttered, "it looks good."  i think aiden ignored me.  and chase said, "bad."  in my language that i have made up for my own little world in my head, that translates to..."YOU'RE THE BEST CHRISTMAS LIGHT PUTTER UPPER AND MOM EVER!!!!  (and you are beautiful and very muscular too.  and should think about a career in modeling or motion picture acting.)"

IOWA...

...YOU MAKE ME SMILE.  sort of.

you're kinda cold.  but none the less, i tried...quite unsuccessfully to get some really great pictures of the cousins.  all 9 of them.  which makes it a little more acceptable that i didn't get any super shots of them all together.  but...here you go, in spite of the fussy, pappy sucking, quick moving, squirming, shy, cold suffering, hyper, none picture taking liking, too old to be posing with babies, tired, hungry, flailing, bad mood...but oh-so-sweet children

  the girls in a sea of penguins

family

the nifty nine

chad and his lovely grandmother

chad's grandfather's WW2 memorial

the boys on their way to an iowa state football game

colt and sauce...guy bonding time

the graceful ballerina

a puddin cup, the sugar plum, and their sauce

colt lloy and his sue sue

loves to be thankful for during a thanksgiving week in iowa...and always.

nutrackers, twinkly light woodsy garland, and a sunday rescue

this weekend...

i feel somewhat satisfied with what we got accomplished around here.  friday, i spent the day at a little gem of a place called the nutcracker market with my mom and grandmother.  it has been a tradition each year that i have grown to love.  i can't even remember when i started going with them.  (probably after my "whining" kid and selfish teenager phases phased out and my ihavetobuymyownchristmaspresentsforeveryone phase phased in.)  never-the-less...i'm a part of the inner circle now and it can be said that if someone happens to mention that they really like something in my house, i usually respond with, "it came from the nutcracker."

i got all of my christmas shopping done for chad's side of the family.  which is good because in less than a week, we are packing up the ole chevy suburban and headin up to iowa to spend a very festive and cold week with our iowa kinfolk...(and i really just needed to use the word kinfolk)...where we will celebrate christmas with them.  needless to say, i have a lot to do to get ready for that trip, and sweet annslee james is not super great about entertaining herself quietly so that i can pack.  she takes a different approach in life...and it is called "i'm gonna scream as loud as i can until she gives me what i want because she has 4 of us and seems too frazzled and weak to win a stand off at this point."  so, i will have to utilize my time wisely...which is not my best subject.

saturday, we decorated the house for christmas.  and by "we" i mean me and aiden.  i guess chad helped by getting all the bins down from the attic.  annslee took a nice nap and we were able to finish the garland on the staircase and fireplace...which besides the tree, is the hardest part.  it always involves untangling and replacing twinkly lights and fluffing the garland...which i have the kids do and then re do myself to make it extra fluffy.  in the last couple of years, i have added red berries and pine cones...which lead to a successful finger sweep of annlee's mouth after she got a hold of a runaway berry on the floor. 

saturday night, i got to go see my grandpa.  my brother and i were there at the same time...as we are a lot of the time, which is always fun and makes me think of the "olden days" when we did everything together.  sometimes i miss him.  i mean, when you spend your entire childhood in cahoots with someone...it just seems you should still be in cahoots anytime you are with them.  so, i suppose that we could go around stealing bedpans or getting in the elevator and pushing every button or something...but instead we sit by our grandpa and hang on his every word...critiquing them for hidden wisdom and hints of advise that we can take with us.  i guess we are getting old. 

yesterday, we got to wear our fun wintery clothes to church.  i love little girls in winter tights and flannel, pleated skirts and sweaters and boys in hooded sweatshirts and red noses.  aiden even got to wear a cute wintery hat...due to me finding a wad of gum in her hair when i went to fix it for church.  there was no time to mess with it then...so we went with the "a hat makes everything better" philosophy.  mom came over when we got home and we worked the rest of the day on the indian paper bag vests for aiden's class.  it's a room mom responsibility that is not my favorite.  it took all.day.long.  however...anything i do with my mom ends up being fun.  after that, i successfully removed the gum from aiden's hair...which was a relief to aiden because she had been concerned about the use of scissors to get it out.  then i got to go up and visit a little with my grandpa last night.  he was the most confused i think i have ever seen him.  he wanted me to take him on the elevator and thought we were in a house and that people were coming down the stairs.  he would look at me and laugh like we were little kids and were hiding downstairs...like it was a game of hide and seek or something.  i didn't know what to do other than play along.  when it came upon 10 pm, i knew i needed to head home, but when i got up to say goodbye, he begged me not to leave him...which made me have to hide my teary face from him. at that point, i secretly wished for my brother to show up and then we could summon our inner cahootness and break him out in what would go down in history as the great triumph pappy rescue.

i mean...who doesn't want to be rescued?

Grandpa

as i waited tonight, in what would soon be his room...i couldn't help but be anxious to see him again.  he was being moved from one hospital to another.  

i find my thoughts these days turning into daydreams about the next lucid moments that i will get with him. with a family at home, i covet the evening hours when i can go for a visit...and although i'm not traveling to grandpa's house in duncanville, like i remember so vividly as a kid...and the activities and dynamics of the visit have certainly shifted, the excitement of talking to him remains the same.  sometimes, he sleeps most of the time.  sometimes i can't understand what he is trying to say.  but, sometimes...when i get lucky, he shows up.  when he sees me, i always say the same thing..."hi grandpa."  he always responds with, "well...hi."  and we have great conversations.  sometimes he will want me to pray with him.  sometimes he will need a reminder that he still has a purpose here.  sometimes he makes his jokes, and i laugh and watch him laugh.  and sometimes...like last night, we talk about old times...when he was in a band and played the heck out of his guitar and had gigs at different places.  we talked about my favorite songs to listen to him play...folsom prison blues, and i'll fly away.  he would always let me sing along.  and i would always make him re-teach me how to play my favorite guitar parts.  he even sang some of folsom prison for me last night.  he didn't miss a note and he told me that when he would see a guitar on a stand, he couldn't stand just to look at it...he had to play it.  i always tell him i love him, and he always says in his most soft and gentle voice that is almost too weak to be able to hear anymore, "well...i love you too, hon." 

tonight, when he finally got there...he was tired and confused.  i know he needed to sleep, but i was longing for those moments...the ones that i will tuck away and carry with me when he is no longer here.  the ones that will bring comfort when it's time to say goodbye.  i need those moments...when it's him, and me, and a memory.  i want to remind him of how he used to make funny noises in my ear and how it tickled and made me giggle.  i want to tell him that i do it for my kids and they giggle and squirm too, and i always tell them that it is what grandpa did when i was a little girl.  and how they always say, "do it again" just like i did.  i'm already daydreaming of my next conversation with him. 

grandpa......tell me a story.

a whole new meaning...

...to the phrase "ball and chain"

kindergarten crushes (dedicated to kirk williams...wherever you are)

The kids are growing up.  There's no question about that.  But some things...Chad and I are just not ready for.  Like this conversation at dinner last night.

Me:  Why don't you tell Daddy what you told me in the car today after school.

Aiden:  No.

Chad:  It's ok.  You can tell me anything.  What is it?

Aiden:  Oh fine.  I have a boyfriend now.

Chad (color draining from face):  You do?  Who?

Aiden:  Dylan.

Me:  Was it your idea for him to be your boyfriend, or his?

Aiden:  I asked him if he wanted to be my boyfriend and he said no...because he already had another girlfriend.  But then, he said that he broke up with his girlfriend and wanted to date me.

* at this point, colton spewed water out of his mouth laughing and chad and i had to put our heads down...due to a mixture of shock and awe.  after chad and i composed ourselves and quieted the boys, the conversation continued.

Me:  Where did you hear the phrase "he wants to date me?"

Aiden:  I don't know.

Chad:  What do you like about Dylan?

Aiden:  His hair and his eyes.

* both boys lost it again and aiden burst into tears.  chad told them to pull it together or they would be sent from the table.  chase then piped in.

Chase:  One time, a girl in my class asked me if I wanted to go on a date with her.  I said, "okay.  aaaawwwk....wwaaarrrd."

*  at that, chad lost it while i was still trying to console aiden.  i assured her that there was nothing to be embarrassed about and that it was ok.  then we had a long talk about how the good thing about kindergarten was that you can have a bunch of friends that were girls and a bunch of friends that were boys and that you don't start having boyfriends or girlfriends until high school.  i can honestly say that i wasn't ready for that conversation with my sweet pea.  today, i got to talk to her teacher, where i learned that there were some other kids in the class that had some older friends and siblings and that they were talking about such things.  this made me feel a little better.  i just knew it couldn't have been my little baby girl coming up with all these ideas.  i did ask for her to be moved, though.  i wouldn't want chad to have to have words with some kid on the playground inbetween the slide and the monkey bars.  seriously.

however i am reminded of kirk williams...a little boy who professed his love for me in mrs. grimes' kindergarten class in 1980.  he even sang to me every day.   "I can't believe I'm out here on her front porch in this swing...just a swingin..."

maybe the apple doesn't fall too far from the tree afterall.  although...i'm certain he didn't ever say he wanted to "date" me.

I Knew You Before You Were Born

dear annslee james,

the promise of you started long before you were born.  i remember, clearly, writing your name when your brothers were just a toddler and a baby.  we were all at the beach in charleston with friends.  one night, we were playing with the magnadoodle.  randomly, i wrote...

colton

chase

aiden

annslee

that was when the hope of two girls...sisters...was born. 

i quietly began hoping and praying that God would give us daughters for your daddy and i, and sisters for the boys.  after aiden was born, i rejoiced in a dream coming true and half of my hope was made real.  when aiden was 1...4 and a half years before you were born, i came home from target with 4 children's plates.  there was a blue one for colton.  there was a green one for chase.  there was a pink one for aiden.  daddy asked me who the purple one was for...and i replied, "we can't forget about annslee."

these plates were stacked neatly in the cabinet, and every time i used the blue, green, and pink one, i saw your purple one;  a promise of you...quietly waiting for you...just like me.

i knew you were coming.  God whispered your name to me, just like he had that night at the beach.  He knew you before you were born.

In those years before you were born, i hoped, and longed, and dreamed and prayed for you.

and i waited.



and when i thought that i couldn't wait any longer, God formed you and knitted you together perfectly, and he gave you to me.  quietly and carefully, he tucked you in.  i knew.  i knew you were coming.

we all rejoiced and prepared and awaited you.  God made my hope complete.  you made my hope and my dream real.

colton

chase

aiden

annslee

sweet annslee james...

i knew you before you were born.

happy 1st birthday, my doll.

*

Father God, I will never tire of thanking you for giving me my dream.

CHASE IS (gr)EIGHT

joshua "chase" clarkson...

when you were born, i felt your quiet and gentle spirit whisper to my soul.  i said, "he is going to be special.  i can feel his gentleness."  people didn't think i could know you this way when you were only a day old.  but i knew.

when you were 20 minutes old, i noticed one of my very favorite things about your face...your dimples.  i said, "ah!!!  he has dimples!!  i love them!"

you were always quick to smile and show them to me.  they always made me happy.  they still do.  i will always seek "permission to kiss the dimples."

with just a look, i know you.  i know just how you feel, and i feel it too.

you make me smile.

you make me feel important...and welcome...and loved.

and you make me want to play...and learn...and see things in a new and different way.

you make me appreciate life...and love.

you are a boy who is pleasing to God...like you somehow know what He has done for you...in a way that kid's don't usually understand.  you serve with a happy heart.  you put other's before yourself.  you love people, and make them feel special.

*

i can feel your quiet and gentle spirit whisper to my soul.  you are special.  i can feel your gentleness.  people didn't think that i could know you this way when you were only a day old...

but i knew.

HAPPY 8TH BIRTHDAY, MY FROG PRINCE

my date with a servant

chase has a servant's heart. he is always the one who quietly serves without expecting anything in return...surely a rare find in grown men these days, much less little ones. the other day, we were at an adult friend's birthday party. everyone had gone through the food line inside and had found various seating on the large, back porch and had started eating. i had annslee in my arms and a plate of food for her in my hand as i walked out to the packed porch. i have to admit that there were grown men sitting comfortably in chairs, already eating dinner and kids scattered around digging into their hotdogs. as i walked through the door to the porch, i quickly surveyed the seating and knew i would have to find another place to sit and feed annslee. and not allowing one more second to pass, chase...with his servant's heart grabbed his plate, stood up and said, "here mommy...you can sit here." you can imagine the grown men's faces as they saw an example of godliness in this little boy. my heart leaped with pride and gratitude. we made a very big deal of chase and his servant's heart and he got to pick from the treasure box when we got home.

yesterday, when they came in from school, chase was sitting at the table eating his snack. he looked at me and said, "mommy? do you want to lay down on the couch and rest while i rub your back? i replied, "oh chase...that would be wonderful!" he said, "that would fill up your bucket. we all have a bucket and when people do nice things...it fills it up." i'm not sure where he got this...but i pray that there are people in his life, scattered strategically throughout his day who fill his bucket today. i also pray that i can learn from chase's expample and serve with a happy heart.

blabble

good grief. i just had to have a "session" with myself. you know when you leave a certain situation and think "why couldn't i have just sat in the background and kept my big, fat mouth shut?" you re-live the whole scenario and go over what you said and how others responded to you over and over again until you are positive that everyone left and went straight home to tell their husbands what a complete lunatic you are and vow to never invite you to another get together for the love of all things peaceful? (i'm not even sure if that was a question or a statement!!) look...now i'm confused about punctuation. i guess that's the moral of the story. i'm confused. i don't do "confused" well. and somehow the conversation made it's way to some of the things i am most confused about and lets just say that "blabble" puts it politely. i felt myself saying, "shut up, shut up, shut up." but it was too late. once the blabble starts, it's very hard to stop.

the truth is, i've never been able to be anything other than myself. i say what i think. i feel what i feel. and i wear my emotions on my sleeve. that translates into the people i am with generally knowing a little (or in this case, alot) of the real me. and that is very scary sometimes. i used to feel pretty secure in my own skin. but lately, i have battled insecurity about myself and what people think of me like i haven't in a long, long time. and i hate insecure. it goes against everything i stand for and want my kids to stand for. so tonight, we have a combination of a battle with insecurity rearing it's ugly head and very genuine and honest blabble about my heart and what is on it and people i have not seen ot talked to in a while, as well as someone I JUST MET, who probably didn't really need to hear anything other than "things have been fine. (smile politely)"

in the hour or so since this experience, i have allowed myself to concoct a menagerie of thoughts that these people must have of me and my matters of the heart as well as tell myself that they want nothing to do with me or my blabble at this point. insecurity and blabble is not such a good combination. i guess there are two morals of the story.

pokerface

this morning, chad had to leave early for work. the kids are used to him being around for breakfast. so when he wasn't milling around the kitchen, drinking his orange juice this morning, chase asked:

chase: "where's daddy?"

me: "he has already left."

chase: "oh. he already left to go play poker?"

it was 7:40 in the morning. let's hope not.

clearly we are a hat family

what do you do when you can't decide which picture you like better? i usually post both. for instance...in the top picture, i love being able to see chase's beautiful eyes and colt looks somewhat "happy" in spite of my insisting on getting a "hat" picture on our way to the baordwalk. however, i like the spacing and zoom of the bottom picture better. ahhh...the obsessive tendencies of the perfectionistic photographer.

and chad was meeting us there, so he was unable to appear in the "hat" picture. although, i would like to point out that he was, in fact wearing one.

qUoTeS

"when i grow up, i want to be a frog...and live outside in the backyard. and when you come outside, i'll say, "pssssst. down here. don't step on me.""

~chase (7 yrs.)

"EWWWWW...undies! i'm not gonna fold anything boyish...because they have had BUTT in them. BOY BUTT!!"

~aiden; while helping me fold laundry (5 yrs.)


"i am not going to over serve myself dr. pepper in the late afternoon anymore. it makes it hard to go to sleep."

~me; while typing this blog when i should be in bed asleep (present day)

In honor of mastitis...

25...give or take

i have mastitis.....AGAIN. on the off chance that any of you reading this are male...i would encourage you to just let this one go by. this is nothing you really care to know about. trust me.

i had never heard of mastitis until shortly after my oldest little man was born. these are the things people don't tell you. i got it for the first time when i was nursing colt. he was, like, 3 weeks old. then i got it approximately 4 more times. then the same thing happened with chase, and aiden. so, by the time i weaned aiden, i had gone through this dangerous, staff infection of the clogged milk duct more times then i could count. i think i had it 7 or 8 times with aiden. one would think that after nursing 3 babies, my body would know what to do the fourth time around. no such luck. i am now dealing with my 8th case of mastitis with puddin pie, and this one is a whopper. i found out during aiden's reign that i had an overactive letdown reflex. this should not be surprising...what, with my flair for overacting in general. but for real??? even my milk ducts are hyper? evidently so. which would explain the fact that i could probably feed 4 children simultaneously and still have milk left over. when the kids were itty bitties, we would have milk everywhere! soaking through clothes, leaking down my shirt, spraying all over the place, gagging the baby, and jamming the freezer door. all this is great at all...except it leads to the dreaded clog, that inevitably gets infected. i usually wake up in the night or in the morning and feel like someone is stabbing me in the............well..............."duct" and a high fever shortly follows. then you feel like you have the flu. it's pretty great.

if my calculations are correct, this is around my 25th case of mastitis...give or take. now, my doctor doesn't even make me come in. they are on a first name basis with me and my................"ducts".

today...it was her turn

colton (9), chase (7) and aiden (5)

first day of school

the sweet pea on her first day of kindergarten

*

everything about her exhibits a calm spirit and quiet patience. she has become accustomed to waiting her turn. she has always had two others who have gone before her...as she quietly stands in the background, or sits on the bleachers watching. it's not that she doesn't talk. she always has something to say...an idea that must be shared, a question to ask, something she wants to do or talk about, or an encouraging word to give. but her spirit is sweet and calm and sure...and she doesn't mind waiting. today it was her turn. and she was ready. this day snuck up on me in a way...but not her. she was born ready. we both knew it was coming, and i was busy expending my energy trying to make things perfect for her, while she quietly waited. she had an appropriate mix of emotion. she expressed a little excitement...a few questions...and the "i will miss you too's"...that were mainly for my benefit. but what struck me most, was her peaceful calm that was going against everything that i was used to feeling myself. there were no tears. there were no fears. there was no anxiety. and this...i had to respect about my daughter.

when i walked in her room this morning and woke her with a whisper, it took her a minute to remember. i said, "it's time to wake up, my little kindergartner." she smiled and whispered back, "i'm so excited." she was sure what she wanted to wear. she was sure how she wanted her hair. she was sure as she walked out of our house...the only place she has truly known...and into a whole new experience. and she was sure that she was ready and that she would be ok. this was someone i could learn something from. she was slowly becoming my example. quietly...patiently...i let her.

*

she did take my hand as we walked toward her classroom...and for that, i was grateful. i needed that little hand to remain in mine for as long as it possibly could. i started feeling them creep up inside.....the missing her; the sadness; the not wanting to let go; and the tears. i let her lead me. she calmed my heart, and my tears didn't surface. and she lead my way down the hall. she said, "it's the second door." i said, "ok." we were there...too quickly. five years too quickly. but we were there, none the less. and it was time to let go. we let go of each other's hands.

*
she has been right by my side for 5 years now, and it feels like my right arm is missing when she is not there. after we got home, i sat with annslee. i think she wondered where they were. she didn't see her sister bouncing and playing. she wasn't there to sit in the floor and play with her like every other morning. there were no cartoons on the t.v. she didn't hear her ask for another bowl of cereal, or another cup of juice. she didn't hear her questions or ideas or requests to play. it was silent. we both looked around, and the only sound she heard were my deep breaths as the tears started to make their way out from where they had been hiding. when i put her down for her nap, i passed aiden's room. the light was still on, so i went in. i looked around at all the places she would normally be, sat down on her bed, and let them come. i had done my job. she was ready. and i had held it together for her even though i wasn't. i was alone. and i cried.

i know that she will be home soon, and that she will quietly wait her turn to tell me all about her day. and i will hug her and tell her how much i missed her. and right now...as i eye the puzzles and books, the little pretend kitchen where she has served me countless pretend meals, and the tiny tea set...just waiting for a little girl's imagination and a party...i smile through my tears and think about my sleeping baby girl in the next room. there is more to come.

the maiden and "her boys"
she doesn't have to watch them go this time.