Wednesday, January 23, 2013

this is me. today, anyway.

i'd like to blather on about patience and how it pays off...but in reality...i hardly think that waiting 5 days for another new car qualifies as patience.
chad found a better deal.
and this lovely thing is parked snug in our driveway.  i love it.  and i'm grateful.

and today...i added an orange, clemson paw sticker to the back glass...just to seal the deal.
i think i'm ready for spring.  i'm not sure if that's the problem...or if it's something else entirely.  but something isn't clicking.  i find myself feeling super blah these days...which doesn't really work for me in my current position as mom of four/homeschooler of a jr. higher/preschool co-op teacher/wife.  i hesitate to even type the word "depressed" because of how often that pesky word gets thrown around anytime things aren't happy, happy, happy.
but here's the thing.  i want to sleep.  alot.
here's the other thing.  i don't feel good. all.  my stomach goes between feeling fine and feeling queasy all throughout the day.  every day.  and this vertigo thing that i have going is not working for me either.
and i wonder...are these physical symptoms getting me down???  or am i having physical symptoms because i'm down?  it's hard to tell.
but i do know one thing.  when you want to go back to bed every morning after you get the kids to school, there's a problem.  and when you don't want to eat anything...there's a problem.  and when you get dizzy every time you close your eyes for the assembly prayer...there's a problem.
i'm gonna need to fix this.  stat.  because this lack of energy...lack of personality...lack of excitement thing is just. not. working. for. me.
so...what to do?
i've gone to the doctor before for vertigo and they didn't find anything.  and it went away after a while.  so should i assume it will go away again?
and i've gone to the doctor before about the stomach issues...but they don't really know and just end up suggesting a colonoscopy. thanks.
i'm not really taking care of myself.  i do know that.  i haven't worked out at the gym since october.  i haven't had soccer practice since we all got busy in the fall.  so...the only exercise i'm getting is 1 soccer game a week.  plus...i'm not eating right.  plus...i'm staying up late at night because that's the only time i get to myself.  plus...i'm being lazy about housework...which always gets me in a funk.  i'm not drinking water.  i'm not taking pictures. i'm not even inspired to write like i usually am.  and i don't get to see any friends very often...nor talk to them much anymore.  it's not like i never laugh or that i'm never happy or that i'm shuffling around the house in my bathrobe (although it would be okay if i was)'s just that i don't feel like me.  i can't even get a good song and kitchen dance party going these days.
i don't know if all of this is what depression is...because i've never really struggled with it before...but i do know it's something.  and i don't like it.
am i suffering from a case of "comparing my normal days to everyone else's highlight reel?
i know that this all seems pretty different than what i normally write about...but don't you think it's important to be honest?  i mean...why would i try to be something i'm not??  what good would that even do anybody?  certainly i don't expect anyone else to always have the world by a string.  so why should i expect that of myself?
so there.  i said it.  i feel yuck.  and i'm not happy about it.
do with it what you will.
except don't read this one post and think you know everything about me and send it to the church staff as a "mindy needs prayer" plea.  because i may have to beat you down if you do that.  (you've been fairly warned.)
see?????  i'm even being kinda bitchy!!
today, i had coffee with my 12 year old. 

and i think our mugs fit our current emotional states perfectly.
mine:  meticulosity - extreme attention to detail.
his:  pococurante - nonchalant

and that made me happy.
it really is the little things.

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