Friday, April 20, 2012

being louder

I keep checking the tangled up nest that housed my dove the hopes that she has returned home.  But she hasn't.  I can only hope that wherever she is...she is happy.

I've been thinking alot about my babies, lately.  I''m watching them grow, mature, and day by day get closer to the moment that we send them from the nest...knowing that when they will be as a visitor.  I think about what I want for them.  Honestly, I never answer with "good grades" or "successful athletes" or "beauty" or "popularity." 

And...I find that a little strange because, to be very honest...that's all I wanted when I was young.  I wanted to be the girl that everyone watched because she was so captivatingly graceful and beautiful.  I wanted to be the one that all the guys liked and the one that all the girls wanted to be.  That was, most definitely NOT me.  I was the tall, skinny, gangly one off to the side.  One time, in Jr. High...I even remember one of my "friends" laughing at me and telling me that they took a picture of me trying to be in the "huddle" of all the popular girls in the lunch room.  I was being edged out...and no one even knew I was there.  I was unknown.  Unwanted.  Invisible.  And people thought it was funny.  I wore long, full skirts so that I could walk down the halls with bent that I didn't tower over everyone.  I just wanted to be accepted.  Liked.  Wanted.  And when I wasn' hurt like Hell.  I tried to be someone else.  I looked to "them" to see how to dress, how to talk, how to act around the boys, what purse to carry, how to carry my books, and even how to write!  I looked to "them."  My eyes were anywhere but up.

 It took me until graduate school (that's, like 23 years old!!!) to FINALLY accept who I was...the perfect, gangly creation of God.  And that was after being told every day, at my unconditionally, loving parents and every week...for my entire life, at church.  Where was the break down in communication???  Why didn't I believe the people who mattered and knew the truth??  Why did I only hear and accept the lies and the negative??  The only thing I can figure is that they were louder.

we planted page mandarin orange trees.  it's like our own orange grove comin' up the driveway.

i'm fairly certain that this cat thinks he's a dog.

she thought that our house would look better in purple.

I was still skinny.  I was still tall.  And I still wasn't the top athlete or most beautiful girl in the room.  But would you believe...that when I began loving who I was...instead of trying so damn hard to be someone else...people started noticing me?  They noticed me for worthy reasons.  They noticed self assurance.  They noticed character.  And Chad even noticed my flailing, gangly basketball shot.  If only I could make my children understand that God doesn't make mistakes...and that they are EXACTLY what they are SUPPOSED to be and that if they could see themselves through HIS eyes...HE will shine through them and attract all the right people for all the right reasons.  Oh...don't get me wrong...I've still got a loooong way to go with self acceptance and the understanding and receiving of grace; and I am still afraid of failing, (and flailing)...but I've got mad skills at being true to myself. (sorry mom.  i totally used the word "damn.")

ponderosa lemon tree = fresh lemonaide. I think about what I want for my kids...I want them to be happy.  I want them to see themselves through their creator's eyes.  I want them to care more about what God thinks about them than they do ANYONE else in this world.  Even their parents.  Because, make no mistake...we will fail them.  At some point...we will fail them and demand perfection or shame them for spilling their milk for the 48th time in a 12 hour period. We will fail them because we come down on them too hard in public because of how their behavior reflects on us as parents and "oh my...what do people think of me as a mother of a kid who would do "that"...whatever "that" may be?"   We will fail them because we are human and sinful and our own insecurities and pride get in the way and we start focusing more on ourselves than them.

So what do we do?

It's simple, really.

We have to be louder.

i asked chase what this was.  "duuuuhhhh...a mime."

And when they are too young and immature to block the "untruthful noise"  we have to be their shield while teaching them how to do it for themselves.  I would never stand by and let an arrow or sword pierce their skin.  I would stand in front of them and block it from touching them.  I read in scripture, that the tongue is sharper than the sword.  And I believe it.

I would love to hear from you.

How can we be louder?

How can our message about their worth and who they are be louder that the World's?


Ronda Gentosi said...

Mindy, I love your description of yourself: you have chosen to be a wife and a mother. Your chosen path is already speaking louder than the world's noise. I believe the "being louder" part takes place with us on our knees, modeling Jesus' unconditional love, and following His words. They may "get it" at eight or twenty-three, but I do believe you and Chad are living your life in front of your children with the volume turned on high. Love your posts and love you.

Alicia Trussell said...

I agree with Ronda. You are living life loud and showing them what it means to follow hard after God. God gives us the choice to listen.