Thursday, January 20, 2011

seeking hope

it's been a rough month.  i've never asked for prayer from blog readers.  (i don't think.)  however, i think that i have always been transparent and authentic.  so, although this blog post was supposed to be a few quotes from the kids, "it's been a rough month" blurted out before i could stop it.  i am asking that if you are the praying kind...will you please pray for me?

as of last night, my number one prayer right now is that i will feel good.  it has been a really looonnnng time since i could say that i felt good physically.  truthfully, a lot of my physical issues are a result of anxiety and emotional stuff.  i am to the point now, that i don't feel like i will be able to continue to fight those strong holds in my life (and i've been fighting them since 7th grade...and i don't even want to do the math to know how many years i have allowed joy to be stolen from me due to OCD related fear and anxiety) unless i can feel good.  to me, that seems to be a pretty simple request.  most people feel good, i think.  most people wake up...go to their work place, take care of their kids, volunteer their services at school, go to lunch, go shopping, do housework, sign their kids up for soccer, etc, etc, etc.  i wake up wondering if i am going to feel queasy, feel dizzy, have diarrhea, be tired, feel sad, be able to eat, or have any energy.  this is not normal.  i know this is not normal.  i have gone to doctors, i have self-talked, i have prayed, i have tried to force myself to keep going, and rebuked satan himself.  and lately, if i'm honest, i have given up.  i lay on the couch, and do just enough to get by.  i have basically isolated myself.  i don't want to leave the house.  i don't want to eat.  i don't want to do anything, other than stay in the safety of my own environment, so that if i don't feel good...i am secure and........safe, i guess. and i don't have to worry about what "could happen" out there.  i don't have to clean the cart or go through another bottle of hand gel, or tell annslee not to touch something, or worry about what would happen if i got sick. don't get me wrong...over the years, i have gone in and out of being strong enough to fight it.  sometimes, it is almost dormant and i feel (dare i say) "normal".  and at other times, it is gripping.  last week, i thought it was better and then this week, i have struggled.  none-the-less...i don't want to live this way anymore.  i can't live this way anymore.  

it is a huge risk to type the truth.  it is an even bigger risk to publish it.  but, at this point, what do i have to lose?  will you consider praying for me?  it makes me cry to even type that.  maybe because i'm scared no one will or it won't work.  maybe i'm scared you will think bad of me.  maybe i'm scared that i will appear weak or crazy or wrong.  maybe i'm scared you will feel sorry for my poor husband and kids and think i'm a horrible wife and mom.  if you think those things...there is nothing i can do about it.  but if you want to help me...i think i may feel stronger.  just because i know you care.  maybe it will feel like hope.

5 comments:

meredith said...

dear mindy!

i love your honesty, your heart & your transparency. i will be praying for you--actually contending with you & for you during this time for VICTORY!

i can relate on a little different note, of not feeling good.ever. my health related issues have kept me in a fog, low energy, easy to get depressed, type of situation as well. it is true, when mama ain't happy...ain't no one happy.

praying for stregthen to get through today & find your hope & comfort & freedom from condemnation or judgement today. i don't claim to have any answers, but i can promise that i will pray for you...i hope you can feel my love & support all the way from iowa.

you are loved, you are treasured! you are an amazing wife, mother & friend. YOU ARE DEARLY, DEARLY LOVED!!!

ami said...

Here is the truth:
You are God's creation. You are his child. He loves you.
Chad is a very lucky man to have you for his wife. Colton, Chase, Aiden, and Annslee couldn't have a better mother. I couldn't find a better friend.
I feel your exhaustion and feelings of defeat.
You are not defeated, though.
Hang on! I am praying for you.
I love you,
Ami

Anonymous said...

I ditto Ami...you are created in God's image! He loves you and I love you. I am praying for you! You are a dear friend that I cherish. A fantastic mother, who I call for advice! :) Have some grace with yourself. It has been a hard month and you are still grieving. I love you, friend! Amanda

Shannon said...

I am not eloquent with words, especially when I am wrapped up in too much emotion. Just know that I love you. Just know that I am praying for you. Just know that He is, too...

Anonymous said...

Mindy,
You know how much I value you and from firsthand account...I can tell you that your house looks a whole lot better than mine! You are a fantastic mother with more patience than I ever could have. I know we battle and give-up but I am standing with you in the gap as I know you are for me. I treasure your friendship, knowledge, wit and faith so highly. I love you and am praying for you always.

Heather