Monday, October 01, 2012

tell them your story...

dearest chase,
yesterday you turned 10.
several times during the day, you looked at me thoughtfully and said,
"i'm sorta like an adult now."
you also told me that your father told you that you could now play video games like halo.  (we will discuss that later.)
i think it's time that you know the beginning of your story.
we knew that we wanted a second baby.  and within a month, you were tuck snug in my belly.  however, when i was only 6 weeks pregnant with you, i began to hemorrhage.  (that means bleed heavily.)  my heart felt like it was going to break into a thousand pieces while i called daddy at work to come and get and me and colton , who had just turned 1.

i sat on towels that friday while we made a 45 minute drive to the doctor in greenville, south carolina.  as they turned on the ultrasound machine, and rubbed the cold wand across my lower belly...i kept praying that you were ok.
the doctor told us,
"you have a blood clot that is bigger than the entire yolk sac itself.  it is being caused by the sac pulling away from your uterine wall.  and the heartbeat is way too low for survival.  your body is beginning to miscarry.  it will happen over the weekend.  come back in on monday so that we can make sure there is nothing left.  if there is, we will do a DNC."

the ultrasound tech did say that according to measurements, my due date would have been october 24th.
i quietly said,
"that's my birthday."
i remember hoping that it was the first sign from God that you would be ok.
the drive back home to clemson was a long one.  colton chattered in the back seat and daddy began calling granna and grandaddy and gramma sue and grampa rod.
we called close friends.
people began praying for your life.

when we got home, i put myself on bed rest.  the doctor said that it wouldn't matter...but i did it anyway.
i went to the closet and pulled down my kermit and piggy muppets sleeping bag that my honey and paw paw gave me when i was 3.  it was tattered and ripped and soft from all of the trips through the washing machine through the years.  i reserved it for special occasions only.  if kermie and piggy were was serious.
i stayed on the couch and cried for the rest of the day and night...and waited as saturday trickle by.  i was afraid to move.  and every time i got up to go to the bathroom, i held my breath.
i had not bled any more since friday morning.  and i was praying continually.
i finally got up on saturday night and slowly staggered into the shower.

as the warm water washed over my body, i began sobbing to God...begging him for your life.
i will never forget what happened next.
i felt the hand of God touch me...gently and lovingly healing my body, my womb...and then you.
i had never been so aware of His presence before in my life.  i had never physically felt my Savior before.  and i had never been so positive of His work.
i cried in awe and gratitude for His mercy.  i felt like the woman who poured perfume at Jesus' feet and wiped them with her tears and her hair out of her undying gratitude for His unconditional love and grace for her.

i got out of the shower...dressed...and walked out to where daddy was sitting at the kitchen table.
i said,
"chad.  God just healed my body.  the baby is going to be ok."
he looked at me...unsure of exactly what to say.  he felt the need to respond carefully.  he didn't want to dismiss me...but he also didn't want me to have false hope.
i went to the book shelf and pulled my bible out of it's normal slot.  i hadn't read it in months.
i didn't know where to i opened it to the page where the ribbon had been placed the last time i read it.
it was in genesis.
i closed my eyes ad pleaded with God to prove to me through his word that what i had felt was true...and not just my flesh hoping for a miracle.  i asked him,
"will this baby live?"

i looked down at my opened bible, and began reading scripture...doubting whether some random story in the old testament would answer such a personal, and specific question.

the passage read:
"I will return to you at the appointed time next year and your wife will have a son."
-genesis 18:14
i immediately questioned whether it was true and began doubting, recalling everything the doctor had said...
and He instantly answered,
"Why did sarah laugh and say, "will i really have a child, now that i am so old?" is anything too hard for the Lord?"
i cried tears of happiness.  i that moment...that i would hold you in october.  i called daddy over and read to him what God had said.  i looked at him and said..."it's a boy."
the next morning, daddy drove to visit a church plant that he was helping with.  he had his own questions on whether or not you would really be ok.  when he arrived at the service...the title of the message that sunday was,  "your son will live."  it was then that he knew too...that you would be ok.
i went to the doctor on monday to have a follow up ultrasound.  the doctor looked at the screen, and said,
"your body looks to be absorbing the blood clot.  it is much smaller.  and the heartbeat is normal."
in my heart, i said,
"i know."

i never bled again.
happy 10th birthday, chase.
look at all the people who are here to celebrate YOU.
always know that you are here with a purpose.
always remember the first part of your story.
and know that God loved...and still loves you THAT much.
when you start to doubt Him...and the world tries to tell you that He isn't really there or that He isn't really good...
come ask me to tell you the story of when i was 6 weeks pregnant with you.
tell people.  tell them your story.

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