just because.

i'm probably too old to wear my hair in braids.  even if it was just because i was headed to colt's baseball game and my hair was beyond any control, whatsoever.

but...that's how i feel about that.

and just because they are cute...here are two of aiden's besties.

the baby bird. just because she's getting so big!

and she loves hopping around our flower bed.



daddy snuggles. just because i can't really tell who appreciates them more.  her.  or him.



in appreciation of cute, summery pajamas and color coordinated pappys.  just because.....well....who doesn't appreciate that?

GRATITUDE (forgive me if i duplicate. some are just that good)

101.  popcorn

102.  little league

103.  goopy baby eyes

104.  dancing annslee

105.  freshly laundered blankets

106.  put your head on my shoulder (the song)

107.  sun kissed cheeks

108.  freshly bathed kids after a long, summer day of playing

109.  overtime

110.  slumber parties

111.  luaus

112.  a little girl in a flowy dress and a flower in her hair

113.  study groups

114.  a base hit

115.  visitors

116.  lemonade

117.  baby goats

118.  harry houdini

119.  chase's poetry

120.  wrapping up

121.  homemade fleece blankets

122.  porch swings

123.  fire pits

124.  the word "menagerie"

125.  mexican food and margaritas

126.  celebrations

127.  healthy food

128.  powdered donuts

129.  new york

130.  bright coral toe nail polish that makes your feet look tan

fighting a monster

it's become more than a normal worry.  i had a feeling it would.  i can see an obsessive compulsion a mile away.  even if it is coming from a 5 year old.

it all began with a question that she asked chad. 

"are strangers real?"

he couldn't lie to her and tell her no.  so he answered like any other parent would.  and that's when it started.

i noticed that she was always checking to make sure the doors were locked.  i raised a red flag in my heart and began watching closely.  maybe...just maybe...it would not grab ahold of her and grip her like the ones that had made friends with me a long time ago.  before i knew what they were.

over the last several months, she has gone from checking every now and then to having a full-fledge compulsive behavior.  it's no longer enough to be told that the doors are locked.  she has to see it for herself.  she can be upstairs...playing on the opposite side of the house with a friend and hear the door close behind her brother...who is just headed out to shoot hoops.  i can't count to 5 before she comes flying down the stairs...runs past me...flips the lock...and shoots back upstairs to whatever it was she was doing.  i just stand there watching.  she's not scared.  she is just doing what she has been told.  by her own mind.

i keep gently reassuring her that she is secure.  that daddy and i are careful and that we are here to protect her.  and furthermore...that she has Jesus, who is watching over her too.  but she just nods, and says, "i know."  and she does know.  just like i knew that no matter how many times i switched the light on and off...it would not control whether or not i would get sick.  but i did it anyway.  and she checks the locks.  anyway.

last night, after everyone was in bed and asleep, chad went outside to get something out of the car.  as he approached the car, he heard the lock quickly flip.  he ran to the back door window in time to see her bolting up the stairs.  she had heard the door and didn't trust that we would lock it when we came back in.  this has gone too far.

i know what i have to do.  there is not a question in my mind.  i know what is making her have to do it.  and i also know how uncomfortable she is if she doesn't.

tonight, i sat down with her and i told her that i undersood.  i told her that it was going to be ok.  i told her that she didn't have to check the lock when her brain told her she had to...but that i undersood why she wanted to.  i also told her that it was a tricky thing sometimes...because afterall, sometimes you tell yourself that you are just being careful.  and smart.  like when i wash my hands all the time to protect myself from germs.  it's just smart.  even the media says so.  but deep inside...you know that it's not just you being smart.  it is something that has control of you.  it is something more.

i asked her if she would agree to come and tell me everytime she felt like she needed to check the doors.  i asked her to tell me before she did it, so that we could talk about it together.  she said that she would.

about 15 minutes later, chad and chase left for cubscouts.  i waited.  she came to me and asked, "can i check the door?"  i said, "i heard daddy lock it."  she said, "ok."  and then a minute later...she said, "can i check it just to make sure?"  it was not a surprise.  i know this monster well.  i am familiar with it.  and i refuse to let it take my daughter.  i said, "we are going to wait 10 minutes before we check it.  is that ok?"  she said, "yes."  i distracted her with dinner and conversation...hoping she could last the 10 minutes.  she did.  she lasted 15 before she asked if she could check it again.  i let her.  she did really good with her first go-round with cognitive behavioral therapy.  and fighting the monster.

i can honestly say that i am thankful for my battle with OCD.  see...i'm much more aware of the enemy and how to fight it.  i will continue to fight it for myself.  and i will stand in front of my daughter and fight it for her when she can't do it on her own.  and i will train her to fight for herself.
it won't win.

i can promise you that.

sometimes busyness is really fun

wow!  it's been busy round these parts.

this last week has been completely nutso.  there's been lots of baseball, soccer, field trips, field days, birthday parties, baptism parties, movies, crawfish boils, and celebration/thank you lunches.  thankfully...my mother in law came to our rescue!!  she is here from iowa (and has been for the last week) so annslee has not missed as many naps as the above mentioned schedule would normally call for.

the sugar plum turned the big 6 on thursday.  she opted for a breakfast dinner to celebrate herself...and her love for waffles.  we did a joint luau for her and two of her friends from school.  it was friday night in the backyard and trust me when i say...that it was a procedure!!  trust me when i also say that the pictures (which i will post at some point) do not do the cuteness of these newly turned 6 year old hula princesses justice.

i got to run down a big hill with a bunch of fourth graders, climb a tree, look at dinosaur bones and real tiaras, go on a scavanger hunt in a texas exibit, take a picture of my arm pit with colton's teacher's camera, and throw an authentic hawaiian luau...(if you call silk flower leis authentic).  and that was all in one day.

it was a good week.

on a side note...i totally recommend the movie soul surfer to kick off your summer. i mean...it's not blue crush...but it's a good flick.

Eight is Great.

Aiden Annee-Grace

Spring 2011

5 years

1st Soccer Season

aiden...soccer...the number 8...3 of my favorite things in one cute as a bug package.

let's go to the moon...and eat honey.

aiden:  "daddy? what's a honeymoon?"

chad:  "well...it's when a couple goes on a trip, to rest after the wedding when you get married."

aiden:  "oh.  i thought it was when you go to the moon.  to eat honey."

chad laughed.

aiden (after thinking on it a bit longer):  "why don't they just call it a field trip?"

honeymoon.  field trip.  whatever.

i have learned to hunt.

colton said, "mom...we can't find aiden."

we had headed out to the boardwalk, after school today, with friends to celebrate the most perfect weather of the spring season.  80 degrees...not a cloud in the sky...nice breeze coming in off the water. 

the kids were splashing and running through the fountain that is designated as a play area for kids.  it wasn't too crowded.  just those of us who were smart enough to revel in the weather before it became too stifling to enjoy the boardwalk.  my mom, my friend, and i were sitting, chatting, and taking care of the babies.  annslee...the fearless, wild one was all over the place.  up stairs...down stairs...climbing on chairs...on tables...in the water...on the slides...running...laughing...falling...and getting back up again.  i was so busy trying to keep an eye on her, that when colton said those words...i was unsure that i had heard him right.

but my response was guttural.  my eyes darted from side to side, and i began to quickly scan the area.  i instructed my mom to watch the baby as i quickly prepared to hunt.  i became an animal.  vision clear.  hearing heightened.  the screams of happy children became possible screams of terror.  but no.  they were not the voice of my daughter.  heart quickened.  stomach turned.  the hunt began.  looking.  searching.  scanning.  screaming her name.  my mind went to that place.  visually picturing another animal, silently snatching her into their mouth, disappearing before anyone broke from their conversation.  no.  i will hunt them.  i will fight them.  i will kill them.

my friend's voice pierces my still hearted thoughts.  i turn to see her pointing.  i see her mouth move.  what is she saying?  i turn in the direction of her point.

i see her peering from behind a sign.  her blue and white striped shirt.  her wet, brown hair.  her shy smile.  she was hiding.  they were playing hide and seek.  she had won.

i growled at her to come to my side.  she did.  she ran.  she sensed her mother's instinct of danger and protection.  she did not get distracted.  my heart began to beat again.

i hugged her.  smelled her.  kissed her.  nuzzled her.  then i scolded her.  she cried.  she realized the reality of the predator.  they are out there.  they are watching.  they are waiting.  i am watching too. 

a mother will do anything to protect her young.  including discipline them...when all you want to do is hold them.

It's Good Friday. Praise to my KING!

for the birds...

i never thought i'd become a bird watcher.  but, alas...the momma dove and her two babies have captivated my attention, to the point of checking on them twice a day.  sometimes more.

i told you that we found the birds due to chad trimming the tree where their home was.  the momma flew out in a rage and then we did our cheerleading stunt to find out why.  that's when i saw the tiny blobs of feathers.  they couldn't even lift their heads yet. 

well...in two-three weeks time, those feather blobs have turned into the sweetest, cutest baby birds.  i've quietly watched as the momma fed them from her very own beak and i've seen her display the most patience as she sat with them in silence...watching them grow.  from time to time, i would traipse all the kids out to see them too. 

well, the other day i went out to check on them, and the nest was empty.  i did a sad face and a gasp and stood in disbelief...staring at the vacant nest where my little bird family had once been.  i came in and told chad, "my doves are GONE!!!!" 

early this past saturday morning, chad left to go get donuts for breakfast.  he came back in and said, "the doves are on the neighbor's roof.  it's the mom and two babies."  now, i'm not kidding when i say that i bolted out of the door in the hopes of re-uniting with my friends.  and that's when i became an official bird watcher.  i watched as the momma sat, proudly...watching her babes fall from the roof, and then wildly flap their tiny wings.  as soon as you would think they were going to hit the ground...they would swoop up and make it safely to the tree. they would do this over and over and she would watch them and then fly to the yard across the street, where she would gather some sticks in her beak.  she would then fly back and disappear into the neighbor's tree, where i would hear her flap around...obviously constructing a new home.  a bigger home. 

i continued watching until i was snapped back into reality by the notion that i had left all the kids inside and that we needed to leave for the soccer game in a matter of minutes.  i did have them come watch her for a second...before i had to say goodbye.  for now.  i could have silently watched them all day. 

i think i'll leave their old nest home in our tree for a while.  maybe she will want to bring her babies back to visit where they were born.  and were they first learned about the world.  and tell them of the girl who would bring her four, smallish children with her to get small glimpses at the most beautiful bird babies in the whole world.  and she will assure them that they are just that special.  and that God created them...so wonderfully that humans came to see them.  every day.  and maybe...just maybe, she will bring some more babies into this world in that nest.  and she will be thankful that i left it for her...because then she doesn't have to work so hard.  because everyone knows...mommas have to work very hard taking care of their babies.

"DENNIS QUAID IS HERE."

i can not even tell you how much better this idea sounded in my head. 

see...mrs. holloway is aiden's kindergarten teacher.  this is our 3rd time to have her...and coincidentally my 3rd time to serve as her room mom.  so you can understand our comfort level with each other by this point.  she'll text me and be all, "hey genius...you forgot to send snack, and it's your week."  and i'll walk it in, fresh from the store...with the baby on my hip and tell her to hang up her own damn, easter bunny bulletin board.  all in fun, of course.  she's like, the easiest teacher ever to work for.  plus...we became fast friends along the way. 

so...anyhow.  the kindergarten musical was today at 1:30 for the whole school, and then again tonight at 6:30.  last week, she called me to inform me that she was going to be out of town today for a family wedding, and wondered/begged if i could come up there and help the class get on and off the stage and handle any potty emergencies, fights that break out over who stands in front of whom, and any other common kindergarten musical catastrophes.  i said, "of course.  no problem."

she said that the music teacher, ms. poole wanted me to come up to the school the day before the musical (yesterday) in order to be at the dress rehearsal and learn what i'm supposed to do.  again...not a problem.  being as i don't know ms. poole from adam...i joked with mrs. holloway that i should come up there and act like i'm some crazy stage mom that is out of her freaking mind.  well...she thought this was a swell idea, and thus a plan was concocted.

when mrs. holloway introduced me to ms. poole before the rehearsal yesterday, i smiled and shook her hand.  she said, "thanks so much for helping."  to which i replied....

"sure.  now, i have a question about tomorrow.  is there any way that right at show time, you could introduce me and tell the audience that it is my debut directing job?" 

she said, "ummmm...wait...what?"

i said, "yeah...i'm super excited because it's my debut directors job.  you know...i've never directed a musical before.  i also have a director's chair that i would like to set up right in the front.  it has my name on it and everything."

silence.

"and i'm planning on wearing a dressy, black dress.  so i thought you could too...you know, so that we are dressed alike."

she chokes out, "seriously?  are you serious?"

"yeah...and also, i was thinking you could give my daughter a solo."

she was in the middle of trying to come up with a way to lose the crazy, freak show of a helper lady and i lost it laughing.  mrs. holloway had to leave the gym, she was laughing so hard.  and all the other kindergarten teachers were poking their heads in to see what she would do.  oh my word...it was ellen degeneres' "DENNIS QUAID IS HERE" at it's funniest. 

at least, i thought it was funny.  the jury is still out on ms. poole.  she kinda looks at me weird every time i see her now.

and then chad did me no favors tonight when he went up and introduced himself to her and said that he had noticed that my name wasn't in the program.

i must say...even if she thinks we are a bunch of loony tunes............totally worth it.  i haven't laughed that hard in a long time.

now.  what can i do tomorrow morning when i head up to chase's living history museum?  he's houdini.  there's got to be good material to work with here!!

letter to the puddin cup at 18 months

hello my little darling puddin cup,

on friday, you turned 18 months old.  i used to dream about what you would be like at 18 months.  you know...back when you were only 6 weeks old and you would stay up all.night.long?  i'm sure you don't remember that.  but i do.  daddy and i would divide the night up.  i would stay up with you until 2:30 or 3:00 in the morning, and then when i could not stay awake 1 minute longer, i would wake up daddy and he would take over until morning.  at the time, i knew that i would look back on those quiet nights with you...swaddled in a pink bundle...fussing and squeaking and waking at the drop of a feather...walking you and rocking you and bouncing you and swaying you...and wish that i could go back and experience your tininess, your baby noises, your eyes of wonder, your burp rags, your flowery gowns and your swaddled little body again.  if just for one night.  sometimes...during those sleepless nights, i found myself wondering what you would be like as you grew older.  mainly i wondered if you would ever stop spitting up everywhere...and if you would ever sleep.  i thought...surely, she will decide to agree with life at some point.

and you did.  you just took your time adjusting.  and that's ok.  i'm sorry i wasn't more patient with you.  i'm sorry i let it bother me that you never slept.  someday, maybe you will have a baby of your own...and you will call upon me...and ask me why she won't sleep.  and i'll be able to tell you..."my dear, sweet annslee...enjoy this time, because these precious months will soon be forever gone and will be nothing but a memory.  and yes...puddin cup, she will sleep.  eventually."

you amaze us all.  you are strong and tough.  you know what you want and how to get it.  we hope that you will be able to channel this steel will of yours and use it for good.  right now...you use it to get the things that you want...like goodies and breakables from the cabinets.  you will go after what you want, with a determination and perseverance unlike any i've ever seen before.  you are a stubborn one.  and we are not sure exactly how to tame you.  you are sort of like a wild horse.  beautiful and strong.  wild and free.  only needing someone to break the part of your will that will get you into trouble while allowing you to run free to be who God created you to be.  i have no doubt that whatever dreams you set your mind to...you will find a way to not stop until they are a reality.  you don't cry when you fall.  you pick yourself up and you keep going.  you got your first owie the other day.  it was a big, bleeding scrape on your knee.  you looked at it...looked at me...touched it...and then got up and continued on your way.  your older brothers and sister would have surely cried.  not you.  not my tough one.  every few steps, you would bend down, lift your skirt, and check to make sure your owie was still there.  like it was your badge of honor.  you would look at me and point to it and smile.  and i would say, "yes...your owie is still there."

you love to explore.  we started going on "yes" walks together every morning around 10.  you were no longer content to be confined to the house.  you wanted out.  out into the world...to discover what God had for you.  because i spend the majority of the day telling you things like, "no no annslee" and "stop" and "don't touch that" and "hurry up...we have to go here or there," i decided you needed at least an hour of "YES!"  you quickly became a fan of these morning adventures and will go get your shoes and point to the door around the same time every morning.  you know it's your turn.  we head out the back door and i follow you wherever you want to go.  i don't ever tell you "no."  some of your favorite things to do is walk out to the swing in our backyard and point to it and say, "uh."  that means you want to swing.  shortly after i get you going...you point to the swing next to you and say, "uh."  that means you want me to swing too.  then i follow you down the driveway and you go to the neighbor's front yard.  you touch the palm branches.  you stroke them over and over.  i touch them with you and tell you what they are.  then you walk to the cedars.  you softly touch them and guide me to do the same.  if there are pink azaleas on the ground, you pick one up and carry it in your hot, chubby hand until you are content to drop it and leave it in it;s new spot.  you make your way to our front yard.  along the way, you bend down and touch the concrete beneath your feet.  i imagine that you wonder why it feels so hard and rough in comparison to the soft grass.  you dig in the dirt of the flower bed beneath our oak tree.  you stop and look at sticks and you eventually lead us back home.  you love that you have been able to roam free and you love the fact that i have entered your world.  even if it was just for an hour.  and do you want to know something?  i love it too.

you are happiest when you have possession of 3 pappys.  you want one in your mouth, and one in each hand.  you love chocolate milk and will go to the refrigerator and point to the door when you want it.  you will also point me in the direction of the kitchen when you are hungry.  your first real word was "ball."  you say ball all the time.  every time you see one...you get very excited and repeat "ball...ball...ball" until we all see it too.  we think that the basketball is your favorite.  you have watched you big brother shoot hoops in the driveway.  you will go and pick up the basketball (which is almost as big as you), walk until you are standing under the 10 foot basket, and then drop the ball.  that is the way you shoot baskets.  this makes your daddy and brother super proud.  it makes the rest of us smile.  you like to make us laugh.  once you realize you can get a laugh...you will repeat your performance again and again.  you say "uh oh."  you say "daddy and "mama"...but only if we ask you to.  you will make faces on command. you point to everything you want. you know many of your main body parts.  you know what we are saying to you.  you stand up when i ask you to and you lay down when i ask you to.  well...sometimes.  if you want.  you will go get your shoes when i ask and you will follow simple instructions.  if you feel like it.  :)  you have 4 teeth in the front and are just now cutting the upper and lower molars on your back, left side.  you eat great.  you split veggie sandwiches with me and you don't even crinkle your nose up in disgust at the spinach in them.  the other morning, you drank my coffee...and you like it too.  you sleep with the special blankie that honey made you, and your snuggle bunny.  you like to play with dolls...pretending to feed them a bottle and sweetly rock them.  and you love music and dancing.  you dance like your momma...keeping the beat, and moving your limbs in coordinated movement.  you captivate us all.

you are small, but powerful.  i have seen you knock your 10 year old brother out of the way without batting an eye.  you are wearing 12-18 month clothes, and size 3 diapers.  everything about you is little.  well except your eyes.  you have big, brown eyes and blond hair...a combination that is unique and striking.  you capture attention everywhere you go.  when you walk around...you walk with purpose.  you are precious and you are our puddin cup.

wouldn't ya know? when computers crash......life keeps right on happening!

so, we had a little incident when chad was away.  well...we had several incidents actually.  but, the one that affected my blogging was my laptop crashing.  or getting worms and viruses and going all haywire and scaring the bojangles out of me.  it was popping up message after message warning me and showing me how many worms and viruses were being detected.  when the number quickly approached 40...i panicked, hit the power button, un-plugged it, and hid it under a stack of magazines (just in case it was contagious), and told myself that when i turned it back on after chad got home...it would all be better.  maybe it just needed a little break. 

while my computer was resting and recuperating, over the last week...we have been doing the usual. 

baseball, soccer, yes walks, and the ncaa basketball tournament have been on the agenda.

last week, annslee and i started our "yes" walks tradition.  more on that next time.

the final four was in houston this year.  so, on friday, chad surpised colton and pulled him out of school and took him down to reliant to watch the final four teams practice.  then, that night...he had a baseball game.  it can't get any better than that!  so we thought...

aiden spent the night at a friend's house friday night and stayed up until 11.  during her 9 am soccer game the next morning, she got so tired that she layed down in the middle of the field to take a little rest.  that was a proud moment for me.  i mean, who wants their kid to score a goal or something, when it's blatently obvious that not everyone has a kid that is bold enough to lay down in the field to take a nap. one of the coaches thought that she actually passed out!   

on saturday, chad and i painted our thumbs green and worked all day in the yard.  we trimmed bushes, planted flowers, pulled weeds, and accidentally disturbed a nest with a momma bird and two baby birds in it.  the momma nearly took chad's head off when he started trimming some of the branches on her tree.  we didn't know that there were babies in the nest until chad and i did an impressive cheerleading stunt where i ended up on his shoulders.  i got a good look in the nest and saw two, tiny blobs of soft feathers with little heads poking up out of them.  the momma gave us a warning to back off...which goes to show that even momma doves are not so peaceful when their babies are threatened.  this display of automatic protection made the momma bear in me feel validated in some way.  not to worry...we left their tree alone and the momma bird came back to her babies.

yesterday, chad landed four tickets to the NCAA championship game.  colton, my dad, chad and i got to go see UCONN beat butler and pay entirely too much money for burgers and pizza.  it cost $25 to park your car!  since when did that become fair?  i had UCONN winning it all in our bracket pool, as did colton...which was crazy because we didn't help each other fill them out.  which means, that out of 100 brackets, colton came in 2nd, and i came in 4th.  this also means that colton wins $180, and i win $50.  i guess that will cover the parking and the food.  in hindsight...my 10 year old gambling...successfully...may not have been the best parental move.  what are ya gonna do?  none the less...this is when the, above mentioned, "it can't get any better..." indeed, got better.

anyway...UCONN winning us some money and bragging rights was nice.  but if i'm honest...my heart was pulling for butler.  who doesn't love a cinderella story?  plus the coach is super cute!!  (not as cute as chad, of course.)

detachment

he's home.  i make it a point, like i've said before, not to ever blog about chad being out of town when he is, in fact, actually out of town.  something about that goes against every bit of the "safety first" training that i received from my parents for the first 20 + years of my life.  furthermore...i hate it when i'm all "hush-hush-private-don't-let-the-whole-world-know-i'm-here-with-four-kids-all-by-myself" and then i notice that his facebook status reads, "havin' a blast here in cuba/ukrain/california/budapest/dallas/freakin timbuktu."  um...thanks for blowin' my cover!  he says, "only my "friends" can see that."  yeah...all 888 of your closest friends.  well, why didn't you say so??  now i feel safe and secure!"  i'm still convinced that facebook may end up being the anti-christ.*

anyways...let me get back on track. 

chad has been gone.  a lot.  a month, or so ago, he was in california for over 2 weeks for school.  and last night, he got back from being in ukraine, autria, and hungary for a solid week.  in between, there was a dallas trip.  he was also in florida (i think??) recently.  i could be remembering that one wrong.  i mean...it may have been somewhere else.  i can't keep it straight anymore.  and that fact, alone, should prove my point. 

the kids are 10, 8, 5, and 18 months.  they love their daddy. 

i am a tired stay-at-home-mom (who is not a 25 year old whippersnapper anymore.)  i love my husband.  i need my husband. 

he has always traveled.  when colt and chase were little, i would gripe and complain with the best of 'em and do annoying things like make my body go limp and hang on to his leg while screaming, "plllleeeeaaaasssse don't go." (not really.  but you get the point.) 

then, when aiden was a baby...i guess i just sorta got used to it.  i took on the i'm-a-very-capable-woman-who-can-run-this-household-with-one-hand-tied-behind-her-back stance.  i'm like supermom.  i should have a damn S on my chest.  i've coasted through the last 5+ years with that adopted approach.  and it's been effective. 

but this last trip...i noticed something. 

i noticed that the kids didn't ask when he was going to be home anymore.  i noticed that colton didn't cry (at least once) wanting his dad to tuck him in instead of me.  i noticed that annslee never, not once, said "dada."  i noticed that chase didn't pray for him as much.  i noticed aiden didn't say she missed him.  i noticed that i didn't wonder if i was going to get a text from him, asking if i was near a computer so that we could chat on facebook.  i noticed that we were not counting the days until he got home.  they didn't seem to need to know where he was.  they didn't seem to want to know what he was doing.  and, the one time that we did get to chat on facebook, when i called them all into the room to "talk" to daddy via instant message, they nonchalantly went back to their individual activities without any interest.  chase said, "that's not talking to daddy." 

and he was right.

that made me think.  it made me think about what was happening right before our eyes. 

believe me...i know we are extremely lucky.  there are people and families all over the world who have to be separated from each other.  i have great respect for military families (and the like) who have to say goodbye to moms and dads, sons and daughters, husbands and wives, for...sometimes...very long stretches of time.  don't think for an instant that i don't know how lucky we are.  but...this blog is about our reality...my family's reality.  and what has happened as a result of chad's traveling...whether it could  be worse, or not. 

we have slowly grown accustomed to it.  and i'm not sure that's a good thing.  maybe it is.  but something deep inside of my heart whispers that it's not.  it's not that they've learned to understand the importance of what their daddy is doing in those far-off places...it's that they've learned how to detach themselves from it.  from him.  they've learned not to worry about when he is going to get home this time...because he will be leaving again anyway.

as he pulled into the driveway, i wondered how the youngest...the baby...the one who is the most forgiving would respond to her daddy, after not seeing him or hearing his voice for what, to her, is an eternity.

do you know what she did?

she walked out the front door; paused; looked at the man standing on the driveway; let it register in her sweet, innocent heart who it was...and RAN...with out-stretched arms...as fast as her little legs could take her, into his arms. 

see...she hasn't learned the art of detachment yet.

not that i want her to.

* i do not actually believe that facebook is the anti-christ.  please do not make this blog a forward to the church staff-causing an intervention like response.

Reason # 248

This is documenting reason # 248 why homeschooling Chase would never work.  I am currently sitting across the kitchen table from Chase, pleading that he write his 2 page research paper on Harry Houdini...a topic he chose himself.  All he has to do is copy what we have typed out together onto his lined paper that he was given for the report.  Let it be stated here...that in an attempt to keep Annslee quiet and entertained, I have given her miniature marshmallows to eat in her highchair.  I just looked up at her to discover that she has torn them all into tiny pieces and thrown them all over the floor and stuck them all over her face and arms and chair and hair.  I was not aware that these teeny marshmallows could be made teenier, and also stickier...nor that she was able to do this.  Well, they can and she is.  Now she is done and is screaming to get down. 

Anyhow, Chase had been sitting here for going on an hour; only had the title written, and was coming up with every whining reason why he certifiably COULD NOT write this report.  First he had a headache..."on this side" he said, pointing to his left temple.  Then he was cold.  Then he was tired. Then he said it would take 5 hours.  (He used that one several times and I always found it somewhat amusing the way he dragged out the word hoooouuuuuuuurrrrrrrsss.) Then his foot hurt.  Then his...and I quote..."ear had something stuck in it."

I finally said that if he didn't start writing, I was going to call his teacher and tell her that he was refusing to do the assignment.  He whined, "Noooooooooooo."  

That must have made some impact, because he wrote one whole sentence before he could no longer continue because Annslee was "bothering him" with her marshmallow game.  Finally, I sat down and asked him if it would help if I read it to him while he wrote.  He is now taking a break after writing the title and 4 complete sentences.  Only 19 more to go. What are the odds that we will get this thing completed before one, or both of us completely drop our basket...him crying and stating that I am, indeed the worstest Mom in the world or me making threats about him being grounded till his next birthday?

Any bets?

surf truth

you know how kids can sometimes tell you something louder and clearer than anyone else could.  they can say things openly and honestly...with no manipulation, jealousy, ulterior motives, etc.  often, it's funny.  sometimes it stings a little.  but mostly...it's just down right authentic, eye-opening truth. 

during spring break, we headed to the beach...to do all things beachy..  on the way, everyone took turns requesting songs.  i requested everybody's got their something by nikka costa.  this song just screams beach!  colton requested P.O.D.'s boom.  aiden begged for surfin USA...and then it was chase's turn. 

he confidently said, "i want to hear leavin town."

"because it reminds me of my daddy."

ouch.

it's 5:00 somewhere.

this happened yesterday.  and it was not pretty.  in all my 10+ years of parenting, this has never happened before, and by God...it will never happen again. 

my phone was charging in my bedroom when i heard it ring from the living room.  i've gotten a little too trusting of the puddin cup...therefore walked out of the living room and into the bedroom to answer the phone.  i was gone, like, .02 seconds before returning to the scene.  see, she's sneaky.  and miniature.  so, she can slip off somewhere and start getting herself into trouble before you even notice she's gone.  this is lesson number 1, from yesterday.  don't trust her just yet.  not until she's, like 4.  or 22.

still on the phone...i see her standing in the middle of the living room.  she has something hanging out of her mouth.  i walk over to her to get a closer look.  it appears to be toilet paper.  i'm not panicking or anything.  she has had this fascination with toilet paper for a while.  this is old news.  she likes to sneak into the bathroom and pull some off the roll and rip it into the tiniest shreds possible and leave trails for herself...just in case she gets lost and needs help finding her way back to the toilet paper roll.  then i notice that it's wet.  ok.  well, that's a little weird.  how did she get it wet?  i know she's a total brilliant mind and everything...but i also know she doesn't even come close to being able to reach the sink to turn on the water.  then...i realize where the water soaked toilet paper had to have come from. 

"gotta go!"  i hung up the phone, grabbed the toilet paper from her mouth and hands, which she began struggling, screaming, and fighting for instantly...and began prying it away from her as it dripped all over the place.  on a slightly different note, let it be noted that for such a little gnome, she is freakishly strong.  she followed me into the bathroom and as if chewing on wet toilet paper wasn't gross enough, confirming just where that wet toilet paper had come from...was.  there...my grossest parenting moment thus far was confirmed.  the toilet had not been flushed, and she had fished some of the used toilet paper out and began sucking on it.  there was a lovely pee water trail that started at the toilet bowl.  i scooped her up...still protesting and not understanding why i was panicking and screaming, "oh-annslee-gross-oh-my-gosh-gross-gross-oh-my-gosh-annslee-oh-no-gross-no-gross-gross-gross," put her in my bathtub and stripped her down to her diaper faster than a jack rabbit being hunted.  i found myself thinking, "get her bathed before she puts her hands in her mouth."  however, then i realized that ship had already sailed.  i took her diaper off to discover she must have just pooped.  i had no wipes, the water was running and then she peed all over the bathtub and plopped down to smear her own crap all over the tub while she slipped and slid all over the place.  she was now covered in someone else's pee, her own pee, her own poop and there was nothing else i could do but get my hands dirty in order to help my poor, little, poop and pee covered sugar plum.  i shrugged my shoulders, took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and went in.  after getting her hosed down, getting all the poop shoveled toward the drain and washed down, and the tub scrubbed with soap and my hand because i didn't have anything else in there and i couldn't leave her in that condition by herself because we've already discovered what she can do when left unattended, i bathed her.  i fought my urge to use bleach on her, and didn't even concern myself with the fact that every inch of my house was now contaminated with e-coli and maybe even the ebola virus.  i got the little doll out of the tub after a good scrubbing and reached for a towel.  in .001 second flat, she started peeing on the bathroom floor and then slipped in it and splashed it all over herself and the bathroom.  back in the tub you go. 

i put her down for a nap and began cleaning and taking a friend's advise, repeated to myself over and over..."that never happened...that never happened...that never happened." 

then i seriously thought about a stiff, adult beverage, and said to myself, "it's 5:00 somewhere."  and i would have had one too.  if i wasn't too busy cleaning and sterilizing to pour it.

my little bluebonnet

the sweet pea had her very first soccer practice tonight and let it be said, that i was every bit as excited as she was.  let's be honest here.  when i went in for my ultrasound, the day before christmas eve when i was pregnant with this little sugar plum, and the technician looked at the screen and said, "it's a girl"...all kinds of dreams were conceived right along with her.  my dreams.  chad's dreams.  her dreams.  God's already dreamed dreams.

*

i played soccer...for the bluebonnets. soccer was one of my sports.  i loved soccer.  i was good at soccer.  and i want one of my kids to love soccer too.  i ask myself, "why?"  and furthermore...why am i a little more excited to watch aiden play soccer than i was either of the boys?  it hit me tonight, as i fastened the shin guards and laced up the cleats, that it is because i hope that i will see a little of myself in her.  she has her daddy's brown hair.  she has his analytical mind, and his non-emotional reactions. and i love that.  but sometimes...when i look at her...i squint to see some aspect or characteristic of me in her.

and tonight...

i did.

speak up...copied and pasted

let me first say that i feel sorta weird doing this...because it's my first time.  that conjures up all kinds of interest, don't it?!  i have never, not once, in my life read someone else's written words and thought "you have spoken my heart's truth and i could not have said it any better myself" and therefore, right clicked, copied, and pasted to my own space in this world.  i read it to chad and we agreed that her words could have been born in my very own soul.  (well...except for the "bob" haircut and the attempting to evangelize a sister over a western bacon cheeseburger bit.) this is a post, authentically and brilliantly written by a girl named jamie.  her blog address is http://www.theveryworstmissionary.com/. 

Thursday, December 2, 2010


I hear you.

Every once in a while, I get an email or a comment from someone who knows me, like, someone who for real knows me, in real life, and they’ll say, “I love it when I read your blog because it’s like I can hear your voice.”

There’s something within that small statement that stirs my needy, little soul.

When I became a Christian, I thought the name of the game was conformity. I thought I was joining a club and the rules of the club were simple:

Dress this way.

Use these words.

Do this on Sunday Mornings and that on Wednesday nights.

Be appalled by this, this, this, aaaand that.

Get indignant about such and such.

Above all, pretend that everything is ok, even when it most definitely is not, because you have Jesus and Jesus takes away your problems.

So I went and got a bob, which seemed like the right haircut for the part. And I started wearing a cross all the time for no other reason than so people would know I was in the club. And then, in an effort to use all the words at once, I took my little sister to Carls Jr. and tried to evangelize her over Western Bacon Cheeseburgers and chocolate shakes. She got up to use the bathroom (or possibly to call for help) and the old ladies in the booth next to me leaned over to tell me what I good job I was doing. They were obviously in the club and had recognized me by my words… or maybe by my hair.

It was ugly. But it was me. That was who I was – the result of a lifetime of pretending to be someone I wasn’t so that I would be liked, or accepted, popular, worthy, wanted….loved. I had gotten pretty adept at speaking in someone else’s voice, using their words, playing by their rules. And walking into the church was no different. Except it was worse. Because when you go against social norms in the church, the people in the club will call you things like "dangerous".

I don’t know when, but at some point I stopped watching what the people in the club were doing and I started to look at Jesus. That dude broke all the rules.

I watched him sit in a market place braiding for himself a whip. And when he was done… He went ape-shit on a bunch of scumbags, overturning tables and going all Indiana Jones with that whip until the House of God had been restored to just that.

I watched him sit on the edge of a well in the countryside, where he had a quiet conversation with a sordid woman that would change her life and the lives of many around her. In that little chat, he challenged her honesty and invited her to become one who worships God in spirit and in truth.

I watched Jesus tell stories. I saw him talking to normal people about normal crap and pointing out God along the way.

And I started to realize that I had been created with a distinct voice and that God was calling me to use it, whispering, “Be who you are, Baby Girl. I made you. You were meant to tell an honest story.”

What a HUGE freaking relief. Permission to leave behind the empty shell of false pretense you’ve built up to be part of the church and BE YOURSELF. Live out loud. Share your struggles, your doubts, your furcked up-ness. And to do so in a legitimate non-douchey way that says nothing less than “There by the Grace of God go I.” Sweet, sweet mercy! There is no better feeling in this world than when someone who knows you, really knows you -because you haven’t been faking it- says, “I can hear your voice… and I love you anyway.”

What a gift.

Long before I ever posted a single word to this stupid blog, and way before I became a missionary, I stopped trying to be what the church wants and started trying to be who God wants – one who worships in spirit and in truth. Sometimes the club doesn’t like it. Sometimes a few members protest because they think I’m dangerous.

And I don’t care. It doesn't bother me because, when I look at my life, it’s like I can hear His voice....and I hope you can, too, ever since so long ago when God nudged me and said…

Speak up.

tonight

chase is currently asleep on the living room floor...in full indiana jones costume.  from the looks of it...he fell asleep mid-holy grail hunting.  chad is asleep on the couch...with one leg hanging off to the floor and snoring every so often.  mmmm...what's not to want about that guy!!  :) colt is watching ESPN and asking me to scratch his back.  annslee is snuggled up and fast asleep.  and sissy aiden...the sweetest, sugariest plum there ever was and is and ever will be...is at her very first sleepover with a friend.  she has had friends sleepover at our house before (only 3 times) and she has stayed at my parents (3,000 times)...but never has she spent the night at a friend's house.  it's a right of passage, of sorts.  and she was ready.  i packed her favorite gown, her favorite pillow, her favorite doll, her favorite tink (blankie), her favorite hershey (bear), and her sleeping bag.  i took a picture of her with her bestest friend and kissed her goodbye.  she didn't even act like she was going to miss me.  what's up with that?  she's independent...that one.

sigh.

and i'm glad.

sleepovers.  quite possibly one of the best things ever invented.

i love...

#81 a tv show worth looking forward to

#82 delightful surprises

#83 wearing green on st. patrick's day

#84 being partly irish

#85 sun dresses for the girls

#86 plaid shorts for the boys

#87 sweet blueberries

#88 watching the baby become a toddler

#89 annslee's blonde hair

#90 aiden's brown braids

#91 watching colton play point and sink buzzer beaters

#92 the start of baseball season

#93 theatrics

#94 chase's acting bug

#95 the promise of spring

#96 shopping with a friend

#97 charades (the game)

#98 a new outfit

#99 pink lip gloss

#100 cut-off jean shorts

WONDER

truth vs. lies at the age of 5

* chad and colton were at baseball practice...so this conversation was between aiden, chase, annslee, and myself at the dinner table last night and is written exactly as it took place.

aiden (very matter of fact, in between bites): "i'm gonna have to sleep with you and dad tonight."

me: "you are??"

aiden:  "yes."

me:  "why's that?"

aiden:  "because today, dylan told me that bloody mary was coming after me tonight."

me (nearly choking on my toast):  "WHAT????"

aiden:  "he said that bloody mary was coming after me tonight."

(i wish i could accurately convey the way she was telling me this news.  ever since my grandpa died, she has been un-characteristically scared.  she is obsessed with making sure the doors are locked, and always talking about strangers stealing kids, etc.  we are doing our best to comfort her and make her feel secure, but she is handling things in her own way and i can see her coming to terms with truths about life and death and the very true fact that this world is not as magical as we once all thought.  sad, i know. so...as she was telling me about why she must sleep with us, it was like, "this is what is going to happen...and i've come to terms with it...and this is what i've decided we are going to do about it."

me:  "aiden...i'm so sorry he said that to you.  that is a story that someone made up a loooonnnng time ago...just to try to scare kids.  i remember someone telling me that story when i was little, and it is NOT TRUE!!  don't listen to stuff like that.  the minute someone starts talking about stuff like that, you put your finger up in front of their face and firmly say, "that is not true and i will not allow you to try and scare me with lies."   and then, walk away.

aiden:  "ok."

me:  "you can sleep with mommy and daddy tonight."

aiden:  "thanks mom."

Go Texan Day 2011 - the tradition continues

Go Texan Day is here again.  This was one of my most favorite days every year as a kid.  Each February, as Go Texan Day arrives, announcing the arrival of the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo...all children (and some adults...not to name names) turn into cowboys and cowgirls.  The boots, hats, denim, and belt buckles make an appearance, and girls and boys go to school transformed into barrel racers and bull riders.

*

Go Texan or Go Home!

wednesdays with beth

i am in a women's bible study that meets at a lovely lady's house on wednesday evenings, after the sun has gone down and the babes are on their way down.  this is generally the only time i leave the loves with their father in the evenings in order to go feed my soul.  although i love this time...as does my soul, i still hate saying goodnight to them, all snug in their jammies, knowing that i am missing stories and smooches, and that they will be long asleep by the time i come home.  however, i think that it is good for everyone that chad take over these mundane, yet magnificent activities for an evening.  after seeing my mug all afternoon (for the 3 oldest) and all day (for the littlest)...they are always ready to welcome the scruffy bearded mug of their daddy.  it's a win-win.

back to my bible study.  i hesitate to even call it a bible study.  that just sounds...so...i don't know...common.  at least, common in the world of church people.  the term "bible study" has potentially lost it's punch, as often, people don't actually study the bible at all.  more, they are studying self helpy kinds of books or some packet of information designed to increase awareness on a certain topic.  all this is fine, and all.  truly.  it is.  don't get your tinsel in a tangle.  we all learn a lot and it's great.  i digress.  all of that to say, that i am very refreshed to be in a bible study that is cracking open the actual bible.  i don't know if you have heard of beth moore, but i 100 percent recommend any of her bible studies.  right now, we are watching a dvd called, wednesdays with beth.  we have only watched 2, and both were very meaty and basically spoon fed me the word of God, which i was actually very, very hungry for.  when you don't eat, you stop feeling hungry after a while.  often, it is not until you smell or taste the food that you realize that you are, indeed, starving to death.  isn't that just like the enemy? 

take aways: (in my own words)

week 1

- if being a Jesus follower is the narrow road, then being a relevant christian is walking a tight rope.  you fall to one side, and you fall into carnality.  who hasn't done this?  the world gets all over you.  it's ugly.  trust me...i know.  you fall to the other, and you fall into hyperchristianity.  both have the same result.  you lose any chance of influencing people to chose to follow Jesus.
- life is hard anyway.  i might as well chose to effectively walk the tight rope.  make hard matter.  make it count.  make it have purpose.
- God has carefully thought out his plan and purpose for our lives.  the enemy is carefully thinking out his plan to destroy us.
- God's purpose always exceeds the pain.  (in terms of trials)

week 2 (studying the story of leah/rachel and jacob)

- both of these women wanted what the other had.  isn't that so relevant for us today?  we want what we do not have.
- what is it that i feel like i lack?  rachel says to jacob, "if you don't give me children, i will die."  isn't that just like us?  we look to other people to give us what we want.  what is it that i am desperate for?  what or who am i making responsible for my happiness?  because that is where the war is.  make no mistake that the enemy is watching very carefully over our chief desires. 
- desire eventually turns into desperation.  desperation does not make good decisions.
- ask God to fill up every broken and empty space in my life with himself before making decisions.
- many woman report feeling that their worth goes up when they are carrying a child.  people treat them more importantly because they are carrying another life.  they offer them their seats, they offer them a hand when going down stairs, etc.  WE ARE HOUSING THE SPIRIT OF CHRIST!!!  AND WE WONDER WHERE OUR SIGNIFICANCE IS????
- fill in the blank:  surely______________will love me now.  (leah has 3 sons...thinking that she will win jacob's love that way.)  who's love am i desperate for?  what can i do to make that person love me?  this leads to oppression/trap/stronghold.
- every woman turns into a leah.  there is aways someone prettier, funnier, smarter than rachel.
- God's approval is a whole lot easier to get than man's.
- scars don't still hurt.  if something touches you in a place and it still hurts-then it is still a wound.  let God heal you.  don't let it get infected.
- we do STUPID stuff in our time of desperation and rejection.  (um...AMEN!!)  God can heal those wounds.  God gives us our dignity back. (Praise Him.)
- Often we move on to think...if i can't get them to love me, then i will get them to need me.  GOD SAYS I HAVE MORE VALUE THAN THAT!!!!!  geeeeesh.
- do not make decisions based on rejection!!
- specifically regarding loveless marriages, etc...God can create love out of nothing. (this is in no reference to you, babe...in case you are reading this.)  :) 
- desperation can turn into obsession. and vise-versa.
- obsession=stronghold
2 cor 10:5  (anything that turns into obsessive thinking is a stronghold. praise god he can heal our hearts and minds.)
- when obsession turns into desperation, you start feeling like you are the one person on earth that God can't help/heal.  sound familiar?
- be desperate for Jesus to make you healthy and complete in him.

thank you God for making me hungry again.  and thank you for feeding me.  help me to not let the enemy convince me that i don't need or want food.  protect my heart, mind, soul.  (and stomach, while you're at it.)  i love you.

after all...everyone has a last name, of course

Chase:  "I know what God's last name is."

Chad:  "You do?"

Chase:  "Yep.  I do."

Chad:  "What is it?"

Chase:  "Almighty.  I know it.  I heard it in that song.  You know?  Holy, Holy, Holy...Lord God Almighty...so I know that's his last name.  God Almighty."

imagination makes me happy

he bounded through the backdoor...clearly hiding something in his coat.  the problem is, his "attempting-to-not-smile" smile (complete with dimples), gives him away every time.  i asked him how scouts was and he happily replied, "good." 

 due to the fact that chad has been in los angeles, california for 2 weeks...my brother (UK) took chase to cub scouts this past thursday night.  this was very exciting for chase.  not that he doesn't love his daddy and usual scout partner.  he does certainly.  but UK is always entertaining...in that "he-doesn't-have-kids-yet" way...thus providing all the sugar and shenanigans that we old, tired out parents can not tolerate.  so, naturally, after the scout meeting...they needed to go to mcdonald's (a place i would not take them unless it was the last feasible place on earth to find nourishment.  and i would still struggle with it) to get chocolate shakes.  this is where some random guy sold them the frog sun catcher (that's another story) that chase was hiding in his coat.

so, after telling me that scouts was "good," i asked him what he has hiding in his coat.  i'm thinking, "surely they would not send some live animal home with them."  he pulled out the sun catcher and excitedly announced that after scouts, they went to mcdonald's and then to mexico.  he obviously got the sun catcher in mexico.

i questioned, "MEXICO?"  chase responds with, "yeah...mexico."  i asked, "what did you do in mexico.  i mean, besides getting the sun catcher?"  without hesitating he answers, "we saw a war."  i thought, "wow...that was pretty high level thinking for an 8 year old" and instantly felt puffed up with pride at his intellectual response to my question.

then he casually added, "and a leprechaun."

i said, "hmmmmm...a war and a leprechaun, huh?"

"yep," he validated.

then i smiled and thought, "there's my chase."

A letter to a Friend

* this post is to be read as if penned in my best hand-writing; on my finest stationary, while sitting at my antique desk, lit only by lamp; with a steaming cup of tea and the warmest regards in my heart for this dear, dear soul.

Dearest Mrs. A.N.,

     I received your lovely letter in the mail a few weeks ago.  It was such a welcomed surprise and I do appreciate you so.  Please excuse my tardiness in responding.  Oh, how you made me feel truly cared for, respected and unconditionally appreciated with your kind and encouraging words.  Please know that you have restored my waning faith in fellow sojourners and pure hearted prayer.  Thank you, dear one.  

     You told me of a brief meeting that we had years ago and I do appreciate your concerning yourself, appropriately with my wonderful life.  Please take heart that I will never consider you a "lurker"...as you say.  I only consider you a rare, dear soul...and now, a friend, whom I have the warmest regards for.  Thank you for making yourself known through the kindest of letters, which are all too rare in the world of social networking websites that convert personal sentiments into impersonal, abbreviated text that end up making this woman feel farther away from her sisters in Christ than connected.  After all...we are not needing to be networked, but personally connected.  You are a rare find. 

   Thank you for caring for me and my sweet family and know that I truly care for you as well.  I have hope that we will share more in the future, but until then, brave friend...take care of yourself.  You have built me up, in love and I do hope to do the same for you some day.

With Affection,

Mindy

3 down...2 to go

we are knee deep in germs over here.  on thursday morning...colton woke up not wanting to go to school.  he said he "was tired" and "had a headache."  i told him that he'd be fine once he started moving and he was not thrilled with my lack of concern.  around 11:30, i got a call from the school nurse that he was laying down in the nurses office and was complaining of a headache.  she said his temp was 99.8...which was not considered fever and that it was my call on whether she send him back to class or i come get him.  i said that i woulds come get him...because that's not like him at all. 

after we got home, i gave him advil and he layed on the couch the rest of the day.  at 6:00, he said he felt like the room was tilting and that his head hurt really bad.  i felt of him and he felt so hot that i literally ran for the thermometer.  it read 104.4.  i blinked, thinking i had read it wrong...but it read the same.  i got cool rags and grabbed the tylenol and began rubbing him down to get the fever down.  it came down to 102 after about 15 minutes, so he didn't have to get in a cool tub.  then i began profusely apologizing for making him go to school that morning.  the poor darlin must have felt terrible.  his teacher texted me that night to check on him and informed me that the actual flu was going around.  oh no.  BUT...he had the flu vaccine, i kept telling myself.

i set my alarm for it to go off during the night so that i could check him.  he didn't run above 100 all night.  i got the other kids ready for school, and started preparing the stuff for aiden's class' valentine's party.  around 9...colton said his head was hurting again, so i took his temp.  it was 105.  this time, i didn't mess around with the rags.  he went straight in a cool tub and we piggy backed his meds to get it down fast.  he was shivering and his skin was prickly and the water felt like ice on his hot body.  i shuddered for him as i called the doctor to make an appointment. 

i arranged for my mom to come and run aiden's party for me, so that i could stay with colton.  she was a room mom for years...so she could handle this while blind folded and one hand tied behind her back!!    the fever came down to 102 after about 15 minutes in the tub...and the meds brought it down the rest of the way.  when the doctor examined him she said, "this is the flu."  i said, "but he had the flu vaccine."  to which she replied, "unfortunately, we are seeing a lot of flu even with the vaccine."  i said, "my concern is the baby.  she's only 1."  she followed that statement up with the best 16 words that i have heard in a long time..."i will give you meds for her to start now so that she won't get it."  i felt myself let out the breath that i had been holding since the night before when i first heard the word "flu" from colt's teacher.

then...she had him open his mouth.  i believe her exact words were..."WHOA!!!!  THOSE ARE SOME BIG TONSILS!!!!  with a lot of white puss on them.  well...we will swab him for both the flu and strep.  it's one or the other."  i had been praying that it was strep and not the flu.  i figured that would be the best diagnosis for everyone.  we would just have to wait and see.

after about 15 minutes, the doctor knocked on the door and walked in and said, "drum roll....................it's strep."  i let out the second breath i had been holding and she said, "that's definitely the better of the two." 

we thanked the doctor, and then thanked God. 

i am just starting to get over a nasty cold that i've been in denial about for the last 4 or 5 days.  annslee woke up in the night with a cough and goopy nose.  she has my cold.  i'm waiting for chase and aiden to come down with either the cold or the strep.  i'll take a cold for 2, please.  this morning i told chad's mom, "3 down...2 to go."

shopping cures everything

it's been busy round here.  chad's mom came in from iowa on thursday, and honey's 90th birthday party was saturday.  we had all kinds of family come in from places like ft. worth, austin, and wisconsin.  i had not seen a lot of them in forever and it was so refreshing to reunite with family.  it started me thinking of who i come from.  you know...instead of where i come from.  it made me wonder why we, so often, ask "where are you from" instead of "who are you from?"  the "who" is definitely more interesting.  saturday night, i went to bed thinking about my family...and their names and stories.  more on that later.

i think i'm feeling a little better.  i went to the ENT on monday, and he ordered an MRI.  i told you that i'd been feeling randomly dizzy for about 4 weeks.  i've been on 2 antibiotics, 1 steroid pack, and 2 different antihistamines.  it has gotten better...but isn't totally gone.  however, neither is the sinus crap.  all that to say, the ENT ordered 2 different tests...an MRI and an ENG.  the ENG tests the inner ear and can show inflammation, etc.  the MRI is what they order for anyone who comes in complaining of anything.  seeing as it was going to cost us $921 to hear someone say..."it's sinus"...chad said, "i don't think so."  so i didn't do it.  of course...chad will be to blame if that was the wrong call.  :)

the ENG is scheduled for the 15th...and i have no idea how much that will cost.  i'm thinking...because i am having so much sinus junk, that it is not a coincidence and the natural thing to do is have some chicken soup, drink lots of fluids, get lots of rest, and save the thousands of dollars to have someone tell me, "you have sinus." 

well...truthfully, i'm tired of thinking about it.  so naturally, chad's mom and i are gonna take the baby and hit the mall.  shopping cures everything.

out of nowhere

The conversation came out of nowhere...and I wasn't prepared.  A little girl from Chase's class (who lives a few doors down) was here.  She and Chase were doing their homework together in the dining room, turned school room.  Aiden was sitting at the table as well...pretending that she was doing homework too.  I was in the kitchen, making dinner and answering the occasional question about their assignment.  I heard the following conversation.

Chase:  "My grandpa died."

Friend:  "The one I know?"

Aiden:  "The one from the nursing home."

Chase:  "Yeah...he died."

Friend:  "When?"

Chase:  "A few days ago."

Aiden:  "No.  It was, like...Christmas.  He fell in the bathroom."

Chase:  "He was my great grandpa...my mom's grandpa.  And he played lots of songs.  Right Aiden?  My favorite song that he played was Tennessee Flat Top Box."

Aiden:  "Yeah.  That was my favorite too."

I listened intently to them telling their friend about him.  I thought I would cry, but I didn't.  I smiled instead.

It's funny what happens...the things that trigger some sort of emotional response.  And you never know what that response will be.  Like the other day, I met my mom and dad for lunch.  We were talking like normal when I saw my dad's face recognize someone.  He got up and went over to a woman who was waiting for her food and began talking to her.  I couldn't hear what he was saying, but I saw his face and could tell that he was fighting back tears when the woman asked how he was doing.  He brought the woman to our table, and introduced her to mom and I.  He said, "This was dad's doctor.  She signed the death certificate."  He told us, in front of her, that he appreciated everything she had done for him.  She said that she was sorry for our loss.  I don't remember what we were talking about before we saw the doctor, but I do know that the rest of our conversation was centered around grandpa.

Yesterday, I went to the doctor.  Again.  I am still feeling dizzy...which is getting beyond irritating.  I had finished a z-pack for a sinus infection and "bulging" ears, and it wasn't any better.  I still felt sinus pressure above my eyes, was having headaches, and was dizzy...so I decided to go see the doctor that my dad and Chad see, instead of going back to the rediclinic.  That meant that I had to answer a ton of new patient questions.  I was sitting on the table and the nurse was asking me everything from when my last period was to if I wear my seat belt.  "Does anyone in your family have heart disease?  Cancer?  Thyroid problems?  Stroke?  High cholesterol?  High blood pressure?"  etc. etc.  etc.  Then, out of nowhere...she says, "How many living grandparents do you have?"

My eyes got hot and wet, and I pretended it was due to the sinus pressure.  I think she thought it was due to all the damn questions.  Again...out of nowhere.  It's strange how that works.